Uncaged and Transformed

Is it possible for the Good Shepherd to transform someone so powerfully that others would never know they walked a path of pain?

For years I lived under that unwritten, unspoken decree that to tell was to betray. I was locked in a cage to which there was no key. No one saw it, not even me but I felt it and it was all around me. I was raised in the church and my dad was the pastor. Most of my trauma came from those who professed to be “Christians”. People who claimed to have “Christ” in their hearts. People who went to “Church”. People who stood behind the pulpit Sunday after Sunday preaching Gods love.

I was still fighting the battle even long after the abuse was over. Surviving is about dealing with the scars from the abuse and overcoming the pain from the past as we allow ourselves to heal. It takes a tremendous amount of courage for a survivor to take a chance to break their silence and expose the truth about what has gone on in their lives.

I was trapped by my emotions. My soul was shattered and damaged.  I would feel this depression sweep over me like a dark thick fog and my mind would feel worn out trying to find my way out of it. I wanted to stay in this cage and shrivel up and die and not go against all the odds that were against me to complete my healing. I felt like I would be caged and lost forever in the midst of my haunting pieces that continued to break loose and seem to suffocate me. I felt like I was never going to grasp the reality of life and enjoy it. I was very scared. The pain and the impact of my abuse seemed to shatter every ounce of my identity. My past had contaminated almost every aspect of my life.

I honestly felt like I would end up insane locked in a psych ward for the rest of my life, or like a relative of mine who spent his last years rocking back and forth soiling himself alone in his home.

There is a poem written by an unknown author titled “The Chosen Vessel”. This poem tells how the Good Shepherd searches for a vessel to use. “Take me,” cried the gold one “I’m shiny and bright, I’m of great value and I do things just right.” The Good Shepherd passes by the gold, silver, brass, crystal, and wooden urns, and chooses the vessel of clay. The poem explains why:

            Then the master looked down and saw a vessel of clay. Empty and broken it helplessly        lay. No hope had the vessel that the master might choose. To cleanse and make whole, to fill and to use. “Ah!” This is the vessel I’ve been hoping to find, I will mend and use it and make it all mine.”

I am living proof that it doesn’t matter who we were yesterday or what we did- it matters that the Good Shepherd wants to do something with our lives today. If we want Him to uncage us from whatever has us locked up we need to tell the truth about the past and experience the Good Shepherds healing. It hurt when I acknowledge the truths from my past, but I finally realized that He was there through all that hurt healing me, cleansing me, and putting me back together the way I was meant to be.

Why would the Good Shepherd want to use me? Because He wants to make it clear that the power lies in him, not people. Throughout time in history the Good Shepherd continually chose to heal and transform the most unlikely candidates. When people observe such a drastic change in broken lives, they can’t help but turn their eyes towards The Good Shepherd!

The last verse of “The Chosen Vessel” says:

                Then gently he lifted the vessel of clay. Mended and cleansed it and filled it that day. Spoke to it kindly. “There’s work you must do, just pour out to others as I pour into you.”

Because so many things happened to me in the church and by the church, “Christians” and “Church” left such a distaste in my mouth I vowed I would never again believe in God. I was left with an inner rawness and hurt that would not go away. But the Good Shepherd still chose me to show others how he can transform a broken life.  He chose me even in my own destructiveness and gave me His love and a whole new life!

I see my life now as something needed in this world-because there needs to be people with a heart to help others with their pain and distress. I want to pour out to others what the Good Shepherd is pouring into me.

We can look into the eyes of death and darkness and be crippled with pain, but there is nothing the Good Shepherd cannot heal. No matter what you have been through and it doesn’t matter where you are now, you can still heal and have an incredibly wonderful life!