No one is born self-loathing
themselves. This pattern of behavior has to be learned somewhere. As a child I came
up with all sorts of reasons to despise myself for being unlovable.
My childhoods tender conscience was
shattered by an immense burden of false guilt. I was sworn to secrecy so my emotions
had to stay bottled up. My parents rejection, abuse, and hurtful words affected
how I thought about God and about myself. I grew up convinced that I would
never be good enough to live up to the standard I was taught. So I decided as a
child I must have been bad. I was worthless and needed to be abused because I
was so bad. As a child I couldn’t blame my parents, so I blamed myself. I used self-loathing to protect me
from the brutal pain and shame of childhood; of always being found “less than”,
“never good enough”, “not wanted”, “stupid”, etc. It was always better that I
criticize myself and change my behavior before the real judges punished me.
I will never forget as a child I came home
from grade school one day in tears because I was teased so bad about being ugly
and my mom said it was not her fault I looked like my dad. What was I supposed
to do with that response? As a child I took it to mean my mom thinks I’m ugly and
is rejecting me too. I hated myself and felt worthless.
There were a list of rules to maintain
and I had developed characteristic’s and behaviors that tried to live by these
rules with the hope that my parents would have very little reason to shame and
verbally abuse me. I was so plagued with shame that self-loathing became my
constant companion and leaked into other aspects of my life. My desire to
please, my need for acceptance, and my perfectionist tendencies. Sometimes it
would show itself in depression, anxiety, and physical addictions.
My emotional pain dug very deep within
my core. Layers from years of blame, guilt, and shame were locked within my
soul. It was this relentless and vicious screaming monster that crippled and
controlled my every waking hour constantly punishing, judging, and shaming me
by impersonating the voices of my parents and the church with their harsh
religious beliefs.
Self-loathing also affected me
physically. My throat would get tight, my heart would start beating fast and a
feeling of panic and anxiety started taking over my body. I would immediately think
mean and dramatic thoughts about myself while I tried to quickly fix what I had
done wrong this time. I felt ashamed and embarrassed because I thought everyone
would see how awful I was.
Self-loathing was not just something I
would grow out of as I became an adult. It had become one of my many defense
strategies. I would “take control” of the situation by rejecting myself before
anyone could (“You can’t hurt me near as much as I can hurt myself”). I wanted
to avoid a sudden unexpected rejection (“your rejection has no effect on me
because I already hate and reject myself “). Even after I married it was hard
to believe that my husband could love someone as unlovable as me. And it caused
several problems in our marriage. I was so imprisoned by a guilt-ridden cycle
of self-loathing that I could view my self no other way than unforgiveable and
hopeless.
I never saw myself as others did. My
self image was so hardened that when people would say positive things about me
I didn’t believe them. It would hardly register with me that kind words were
even spoken because I believed I had no worth or value. I believed the lies
about myself and Satan used this for his gain. Sefl-loathing is a treacherous
scheme of Satan designed to destroy our relationship with the Good Shepherd and
with others. I was powerless inside to be able to forgive myself and Satan used
that against me.
I had to let the Good Shepherd help me
break the bond of this unloving spirit otherwise it would remain with me for
the rest of my life. I had to be willing to listen and accept what the Good
Shepherd and others I trusted said about me. I needed to accept the Good
Shepherds love and forgiveness and reject the LIE that the He saw me as
unworthy, blemished, and rejected. The hurtful things that happened to me were
not His will and it grieved His heart. I felt like garbage growing up, but He
wanted me to see I was never garbage in His eyes. I was unable to appreciate
the Good Shepherd’s love for me. He taught me that His love and acceptance of
me was not based on my performance rating. It was based on His love for me by
dying on the cross for my sins. Romans 8:38(NLV) says: For I know that nothing
can keep us from the love of God. Death cannot! Life cannot! Angels cannot!
Leaders cannot! Any other power cannot! Hard things now or in the future
cannot! The Good Shepherd
was shaking my belief system to weed out the lies and misconceptions I had been
taught about God and Himself. I had
to stop condemning myself and stop believing that God was condemning me.
As the Good Shepherd starting healing
the place where this root had been, I started to uncover my feelings of
kindness, compassion, caring, and gentleness. I found out I did have the
ability to love and to connect with others especially my own husband and
children. The Good Shepherd showed me that just having that ability proved that
I was not worthless and I was a good person!
In the security of the Good Shepherd’s
arms I started to experience deliverance from rejection and self-loathing. I
demanded that the stronghold of self-loathing be destroyed in the Good
Shepherd’s name and I asked him to help me pull out this deep rooted inner hate
I had for myself. His perfect love broke the bondage of my self-loathing and I
received His grace to just let myself BE…a stumbling child that just needed to
be loved and held in the safety of His arms. While holding me He whispered, “I
am here. I have always been here. I am your strength. I am the gentle whisper
that tells you its ok and you are loved. I believe in your worth and you are
beautiful.”
There is no one on this earth who will
pay more attention to or care for you more than the Good Shepherd. I still have
days when disappointments come but I am learning how to deal with life
differently with the Good Shepherds insights and understandings. Sometimes, I
still catch myself using negative thoughts when I make a mistake. What I have
discovered about the Good Shepherd is that His love is not based on my performance.
His acceptance of me is not based on what I do. I don’t have it all together
and I am still a work in progress. The re-wiring of my brain to think
differently takes time and I need to be patient with myself. Healing from this
is a spiritual and emotional process.
As I finish writing my final thoughts for
this post I would like to share a couple of scriptures I came across the other
day in my reading:
For if a man belongs to Christ, he is
a new person. The old life is gone. New life has begun. 2 Corinthians 5:17(NLV)
He gives us everything we need for
life and for holy living. He gives it through His great power. As we come to
know Him better, we learn that He called us to share His own shining-greatness
and perfect life.
2 Peter 1:3(NLV)
My prayer is to be a channel of
healing for others as I continue to heal.
I feel in my heart the Good Shepherd
saying, “Give others out there who are suffering the love I have shown you.
Help them find me and help them find their worth.
No comments:
Post a Comment