The Safety Of My Own Nest

Holidays can be a time of anxiety and sadness for a lot of people. For many it is NOT “the most wonderful time of the year”! Holidays can also trigger more pain than joy. Many times I have just simply tried to survive family time without too much stress. I spent a lot of Thanksgivings viewing messages of gratefulness with my own special type of skepticism.

Looking back on my childhood, there were some good times, mostly on Thanksgiving because we went to my favorite grandma and grandpas house. There I got to see my cousins and I had very loving aunts and uncles who I couldn’t wait to see!  Christmas was a whole different story! The fighting between my parents, the perfectionism, the long two day drive to my other grandparents home. The constant bickering and fighting in the car. (Mostly my parents, but my sister and I could go a round or two also)

I tried to make it work and be with my family but I always came away defeated, more depressed, and sometimes more suicidal. With the help of my therapist and the Good Shepherd, I started learning that I was compromising my own healing by minimizing the amount of mental and psychological pain I experienced when being around people who triggered memories of my abuse. This was a very emotional time of the year for me and as a survivor I needed to learn to practice self care.

Perfect Holidays are not realistic. I needed to start focusing on sharing my time with people I cared about and cared about me.  We don’t have a choice of what family we are born into, but we do have a choice to create a family of people we trust and cherish..

The Good Shepherd showed me that family is more than blood-it is about love!  It was time to expand my circle and start making my OWN holiday traditions. I needed to give myself permission to do what was best for me! With each holiday season I had an opportunity to start or continue my own traditions. I had lost enough “joy” to my abuse and now I was going to start finding my own small “joys”.  I now have close friends who we spend most holidays with. Their families have also welcomed me with immeasurable love. I am so grateful that The Good Shepherd has brought good healthy people into my life that I can call my family.

One year, for Thanksgiving, I volunteered to take meals to the shut ins in our community. My daughter and my sister-in-law went with me and I really enjoyed spending time with them and being able to help others. It helped me forget for awhile how depressed I was.

Our first thanksgiving with our granddaughter (she was 8 months old). I was watching my two children and their spouses, my husband, and of course my granddaughter all spending time together.  My heart welled up with tears of joy. I thought to myself, It IS worth it! How different would this scene be if I had decided all the work I was doing to heal was too hard? Would my children be the adults they are today if I had not broken ties with the ones who hurt me? And I have the peace of knowing my granddaughter and any future grandchildren would not have to grow up in the abusiveness I did. I was very thankful that day that I had stuck with my choice to change the cycle of abuse in my family.

Even though our culture, religion, and society define what the meaning and traditions of the holidays are, don’t forget that you can create your own meaning and traditions. I have learned and I’m still learning that presents don’t have to be wrapped perfect. I can bake cookies with my grandchildren and they can make a mess and it is ok if the cookies don’t turn out perfect. That God is not going to send me to hell if I choose to stay home with my family Christmas Eve and not go to the Church’s Christmas Eve service. And it is ok if we don’t eat holiday dinners the exact time that was set.

If you are struggling this holiday season please hold on! Give yourself a chance to know what it is like to live and become the person you want to be. Please continue to have hope. Even though you may feel lost during this time, please allow yourself to open up and accept that you are indeed loved and worthy.

My heart goes out to those who dread this season. I have been there. Please know that you are a person of value, and as an adult you are allowed to create new traditions. You deserve to experience the joys of this season. This holiday season, take the time to care for yourself. It’s the best gift you’ll give or receive. It is important to be kind to yourself with whatever decisions you make regarding holidays. Don’t abandon yourself and it is so important not to isolate yourself! Make sure you have others to talk to that feel safe and supportive to you.

We get to make a choice to create good new memories for the holidays and once we do it till be etched into our hearts forever.

Living With the Enemy

I am my own biggest bully. I would NEVER treat someone the way I treat myself. This self inflicted internal turmoil is never-ending. I rarely have anything nice to say to myself. Instead, I say all the bad things I can think of. Everything I thought, heard, saw, and felt growing up is recorded in my mind. My mind holds all kind of information even information that was not in my control.

The recordings continually play over and over. “You’re fat!” “You’re ugly!” “You’re stupid.” “You’re an idiot.” “You’re useless.” “You’re not worth the air you’re breathing.” “How could anyone ever love you?” “Look what you have become?” “Stop thinking people want to be around you…they don’t!” “You can’t say or do anything right.” “You are totally worthless, a waste of space.” “You are such an inconvenience.”  “LOSER!!”

I still remember a story that my mother liked to tell when I was growing up. It was about my father’s first reaction when he saw me after I was born. He thought I was ugly. He had a hard time looking at me. Still to this day I still struggle with that recording that I am ugly.

Words sting and they slice like a knife, only the wounds are inside and there isn’t any bandage or ointment to apply to make them feel better. The hurtful words from my past chipped away at who I am, my self-esteem, and my beliefs. Hurtful words are still chipping away at who I am, only this time those words are coming from me.

Today, most of the self bullying has stopped. The Good Shepherd has helped me erase a lot of those tapes, but I am still constantly judging myself. I beat myself up all the time when something goes wrong. I am constantly belittling myself and repeating over and over how stupid I am or how useless I am. Sometimes throughout the day I find myself caring on a running dialogue with myself. Words of negative comments and criticisms. I see my flaws and I point them out. I question my actions and roll my eyes at my own thoughts sometimes. I criticize, judge, and belittle myself.  Sometimes the inside of my head gets really loud. I can only imagine what I must look like to others. My eyes darting around, my scowling face, my fists clenched. There is still a constant recording of that inner voice reminding me of all my failures and worthlessness.

The other day I was reading a daily devotional and the scripture reference was Proverbs 4:23(GNT) "Be careful how you think: your life is shaped by your thoughts." I think it so awesome when The Good Shepherd starts to talk to me and then He shows me something to let me know He means business.

Most of my recordings have been erased, but there are a few that still remain. The Good Shepherd has shown me that it is time to erase them. I have never wanted to erase them because I still believe they are a part of who I am!  I need to remind myself again the source of my shame came from outside of me. It came from those who hurt me.

The Good Shepherd wants me to stop putting myself down. I didn’t realize when I put myself down I was also putting down the Creator who made me. When I say I am worthless or no good I am saying my Creator messed up with me and made a piece of junk.

Psalm 139:13-17NLT says: You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me.

The Good Shepherd is showing me my self-criticism and fault-finding still takes me to a dark place in my soul that is not yet healed. It is impossible to have a positive mind and life if I am constantly saying negative things about myself.  I need to think and pray about what the Good Shepherd has really created me to be.

I want the Good Shepherd to help me become someone that His spirit can shine through. I want to act in such a way that makes Him proud of me. I want to be so beautiful that others are drawn to the Spirit of HIM within me. I now know that when I put myself down I am questioning Him, because He made me the way I am, the way I look, and with the talents and abilities I have. He made me just to be me.

You will never be free until you free yourself from the prison of your own false thoughts (Brina)

Nobody is a Nobody

Every time I get ready to write in this blog I ask, “Ok Good Shepherd, what are we writing about today?”  And sometimes I wished I had never asked. I still struggle with every personal thing I write in this blog. I am a more of a sit back and watch kind of person, not a share my most personal and private feelings with everyone person. Sometimes I start writing thinking I am going in one direction and what actually ends up on paper is totally different. In a way that is kind of awesome because I know He is with me while I’m writing,  but on the other hand it is still pretty scary because He is leading me in a direction that I am unfamiliar with, so I am learning to trust Him at a whole new level.

How many people do you think feels like they are a nobody or invisible? How many people do you see everyday smiling and looking like they have it all together and don’t even suspect that they might be feeling like a nobody and invisible? Maybe you are one of them?

From the first day of kindergarten until the last day of High School, I felt like a nobody. Why didn’t people like me? Why did they make fun of me. Was it because I didn’t have the latest style clothes? Did they turn their backs and look the other way when I walked by because I was to ugly to look at? Most of the time I kept my hand on the side of my face trying to hide my ugly nobody self. There would be times when overwhelming sadness would come over me. I’m not good enough to be loved. Would anyone notice if I disappeared for good? If they did notice, would they be relieved I was not here anymore? Am I important to anyone? I feel like I am watching all these people walk by and wondering does anybody notice me?

I went to school many years ago, and a lot has changed since then, but one thing that has not changed is that there are still a lot of people who feel like they are nobodies. I remember in grade school a fellow class mate killed himself by hanging himself. I always thought he felt like a nobody too, because he sat on the play ground during recess alone like me. I even saw him cry once when the other kids made fun of him. These were the same kids that made fun of me, spit on me, and beat me up everyday when I would walk to and from school.

This poem “Invisible Girl” by Hannah Diane Williams describes how I felt so well.

I am drifting through this life
with no one to listen or care.


I am walking through this crowd, No smiles, Only mindless stares.

I only seem to speak
when someone else is talking.


I'm supposed to be the 'good' kid
even though no one wants to listen.

I'm the one that's always forgotten, always picked last.


I'm the one you pick on, the one you call stupid
because I’m not as smart as you are.

The one you call ugly and fat
because I don't meet your 'standards', 
I'm the loner you see...
No one sits with me, 
And no one wants me here.


I'm always in the way....
No one cares about what I have to say.


I'm not important you see.
I'm NEVER anyone's first choice, 
And there's no one to love me.


I might as well not be here
because I'm the invisible girl.

Being a pastors daughter I went to church every Sunday and heard how you are never alone and you’re somebody because Jesus is always beside you and He will never leave you. But, with the secrets within our home that really didn’t mean much to me. The (God) (Jesus) I knew was glad I was a nobody and told people to stay away from me because I would just wear them down and burden them. I still continued to feel like a nobody even after I was married and had children.

As I begin to learn about who the Good Shepherd really is, I started discovering not only was I accepted, I was valuable! (Really?)  I started thinking “could I really receive and believe what I was being told? Could it really be true?” I wanted so bad to feel like I fit in somewhere and be accepted. Even though I was now an adult I still didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I still felt insignificant and invisible.

I really like what Rick Warren, in his devotional Daily Hope, wrote about a persons value to the Good Shepherd.

Two things determine value:

1 How much is someone willing to pay for something

2. Who has owned something in the past

Based on these two things ‘who owns me?’ and ‘what was paid for me?’

1 Corinthians 7:23 (TLB) says: “You have been bought and paid for by Christ, so you belong to him-be free now from all these earthly prides and fears.”  You belong to God and Jesus paid for you with his life.  The cross proves your value. Nobody has every paid a greater ransom price that God paid for you! You’re acceptable, and you’re valuable.

We are NOT an accidental combination of wandering neutrons & protons. We did not evolve out of some slime at random. We were planned and designed on the drawing board of His love.
We have the Good Shepherds handiwork written all over us! We are made complex and elaborately! He made our unique personalities. There is no one else exactly like us in the whole universe. We are the object of His heart’s desire. He created us in His image.

Satan is still trying to convince people that they are unloved and worthless. That they are Nobodies!  I want you to know that in His eyes, it doesn’t matter what you have done, who you are, how low or high your holdings are in the eyes of the world. He loves you!  The Good Shepherd is thinking about you. He is thinking about your decisions; your fears; the concerns you’re carrying. The Good Shepherd does not miss the struggles you’re facing or the temptations that are coming at you.

You will never lose your value in the Good Shepherd’s eyes. To Him, dirty or clean, crumpled or finely ceased, you are still priceless to Him!

One Layer, One Step

There is a procedure that is done to burn victims called Debridement. The reasons for this procedure is to remove unhealthy tissue by scraping dead and contaminated material from the wound to promote healing and reduce scarring. My wounds from my past had masses of unhealthy, dead, and contaminated infections. Their was only one way I was going to be truly healed and that was through the Good Shepherd. I had to give him the scalpel and let him start scrapping away the layers one painful step at a time. Sometimes even the slightest touch would trigger waves of overwhelming pain. Just like my walls I had many layers within layers that were infected.

Rage

My anger was so deep that it became a seething volcano of pure rage right underneath the surface. At any second, I could explode and lash out at anyone or anything around me. This level of rage was exhausting, but I also found that the intensity of it kept me going.

I was in a treatment center for a little while and the staff worked with me on my rage. There was a room called the Anger Room. It had a punching bag hanging from the ceiling. I was in that room often during my stay until one day I started punching the bag without boxing gloves and knocked the bag right off the chain and it went flying across the room. My hands were severally bruised and many ligaments were torn. I was also the first patient to ever be banned from the Anger Room.

My children lived in fear wondering when mommy was going to fly off into a rage. I knew exactly how they felt because I felt that way about my father. The “Church People” never saw that side of him, just his family. I walked on egg shells around both of my parents never knowing what would set them off. And now my children were doing the same exact thing with me.

I was so full of rage one day I pounded my fist into the wall until I fractured my hand so I wouldn’t have to play the piano at church. I was tired of wearing the “church mask” and showing up every Sunday faking it and being religious.

Self-Loathing

My self loathing was one of my biggest festering wounds. I would tell myself I needed to die. I am worthless. I am weak and pathetic. I don’t deserve to be comforted. People just put up with me. I hurt everyone I am around so people should stay away from me, I deserve to be treated poorly. I lived with a father who was a perfectionist and I soon learned that I could never do anything right. I deserved any punishment I could think of to give myself.

Shame

I was so ashamed I could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror. I remember one time my therapist encouraged me look in the mirror and tell the person looking back that she was loved and had nothing to be ashamed about. I couldn’t do it!  I felt ugly on the outside and on the inside. I absolutely loathed that person in the mirror. I hated everything about her! I was depressed. I was a bad person. I felt dirty, stupid, and worthless.

Grief

I would rather smash someone or something before I would want to deal with any grief. Starting to deal with grief made me angry. Getting angry kept me from crying. No crying allowed! “Stop that crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!” I remember being so proud of myself that I learned to take beatings and not cry. I had a lot of losses to grieve. My Innocence, the loss of my childhood. the loss of a loving family who should have been there for me, the loss of feeling safe, the loss of feeling peace and joy. I would get terrible headaches and tense up whenever I felt like I might cry. I would scream silently to myself. “NO CRYING!” and pinch myself or dig my fingernails into my skin. I was continually reminded with patience and lots of reassurance that is was ok to cry.

Isolation

I felt so alone. I had people all around me but I couldn’t and didn’t want to relate to them. But at the same time I felt I desperately needed to have someone to turn to; to reach out to for help. It takes a lot of courage to reach out to others. Reaching out can mean rejection and ridicule. I was a loner in grade school and most of high school. When I would try and join a group of kids they would move away from me, or make fun of me. I still remember when the church youth group I was in, lost me on purpose at an amusement park church youth function. I wondered around the park all day by myself until it was time to meet everyone at the designated place. They laughed and poked fun at me all the way home that day. If my own youth group at church (so called Christians) couldn’t even stand me, I must be pretty awful to be around and it was better just isolate myself from everyone.

Fear

I would have horrible panic attacks and nightmares. I was afraid to be in large crowds of people. I was afraid to be nice to others for fear they might hurt me. Growing up I could not express my fears openly so they stayed bottled up inside my mind and my body. As one layer begin to heal, another fresh wound would appear and then I had to recover from that wound. All the hurt I went through did not come all at once. In order to heal I was going to have to move through the layers. It was overwhelming and I felt like I wasn’t going to make it and I was going to die. I slowly found out that as my mind and body healed, my fears were not so paralyzing to me.

At times it was very hard for my family and closest friends to know how to deal with me, understand me, or support me. But they never stopped loving me. I would have never finished this part of my healing without my therapist, my best friend & her husband, my very patient husband, and all the prayer warriors that were silently lifting me up throughout this whole process.

In my eyes they are steadfast examples of Corinthians 13:7(NLT)

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance.