To truly live out the Good Shepherd’s
example and His teachings on forgiveness may be simple to understand in our
heads, but difficult to feel in our hearts when we are the ones that were
wounded. It is hard when the wounds are deep and the sins committed against us has
changed our lives.
My life was shattered and I was
struggling to put the pieces back together. My painful feelings that I had as a
child seemed just as clear and vivid now as an adult, sometimes making me feel
that my abuse had just happened yesterday. How could I forgive my abusers when
all I felt was hatred and rage? Forgiveness was more than my abusers deserved!
What they did was unforgiveable, and I thought if I forgave them they somehow
won.
My abusers power and control over me
put me in a vulnerable, powerless position that was the structure of my life. I
was conflicted internally because I was raised in a very religious environment
where forgiveness was mandatory and if I didn’t forgive I would be rejected by
God. Unless I wanted to spend eternity in Hell I had to forgive. Not forgiving
was far worse than anything that was done to me. I was taught refusing to
forgive made me worse than my abusers. I learned the definition of forgiveness
meant “pretend like it never happened,” and I should not feel any negative
emotions toward my abusers. So I stuffed and denied my feelings, stuck a nice
big smile on my face, and put my church mask on. Forgiveness was supposed to be
the path of healing so I pretended to be healed. I buried my anger deep and
hoped it would never be found.
Some churches expect those who have
been victimized, to forgive their abuser before the abuser has even confessed
and repented. A girl I knew was being
abused by her father and told her church. The church felt all she needed to do
was go down to the alter and pray for Gods help to forgive him. She was told if
she forgave him her pain would go away. She knelt at the alter and prayed for
help and then went home only to be abused again by him that night and many more
years afterwards. How can the church ask a broken person to forgive in the same
way the Good Shepherd did? Isn’t it more compassionate to give the person an
opportunity to grow towards the idea of forgiving their abusers?
As I began my journey of healing every
time a picture was added to my story of abuse it made it harder to consider the
possibility of unconditional forgiveness. I thought if I forgave them I would
somehow be letting them off the hook-to get up and go about their merry way
scot-free why I unfairly continued to suffer from their actions. I needed to be allowed the chance for emotional and
spiritual growth before I could even think about forgiveness. If anyone would had
even suggested that I forgive in the beginning of my therapy I would have reacted
like I was being locked in a cage with a beast with long claws and razor sharp
teeth.
With the help of my therapist and the
Good Shepherd I learned that the pain and anger I was holding onto was turning
into bitterness. I was starting to feel isolated and alone in my pain which was
leading me into a deep depression and anxiety. Satan wanted me to feel isolated
and destroyed by what had been done to me. Anger and resentment was draining my
energy and keeping me a prisoner to my past. I couldn’t change the past all I
could do was change the future.
This was a decision I had to make on
my own for myself. It was not going to be easy to forgive the ones who tore my
spirit down and shattered my dreams. It was a long an difficult process and it didn’t
happen overnight. The Good Shepherd showed me forgiving them was a gift that I
could give myself because it would set me free from my resentment and anger. Forgiveness
meant letting Him take care of punishing them.
They did not ask for forgiveness so
why should I forgive them? Because the Good Shepherd had already poured out his
blood for the wrong that was done to me. For this is my blood of the covenant,
which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. Matthew 26:28(ESV) He
showed me forgiveness is not about the other person it is about Him and me. It
would have been wonderful if my abusers were truly sorry and asked for
forgiveness, but that was not the case for me. So I gave the Good Shepherd the
pain I felt because they were not repentant for hurting me. He was able to
provide peace and healing in my life even without my abusers being sorry or
wanting to mend their relationships with me. Little by little yesterday’s pain
of the past was no longer the foundation for my future. I was beginning to
place responsibility where it should be and leave the past behind.
I needed to let go of the blame and
start taking responsibility for my own behavior. I needed to be free from my
own self-destructive coping mechanisms. I needed to be free from getting angry
and wanting to kill every man walking down the street holding a little girl’s
hand, and I needed to be free from wearing that “victim/survivor” label like a
visible tattoo. If I chose not to forgive them it would be like handcuffing myself
to them and dragging them around with me everywhere I went so I chose to undo
the handcuffs.
They started to become a distant
memory as I continued to face my past. I will never forget what they did, but forgiving
them helped me let go of my need to control their fate and determining what
they “deserved”. My memories were still painful sometimes, but they no longer
had power over me. They didn’t totally knocked me down and run over me like
they used to. They are my history, and not who I am!
Forgiving someone is a very personal
and sensitive issue and everyone has their own timing and ways in which they
heal while moving through their pain towards forgiveness and understanding. The
hurt emotions and the crippled spiritual pain I experienced deep in my heart
had to be given a chance to find new life. I was responsible for myself and my
relationship with the Good Shepherd. “Forgiveness isn’t one size fits
all. Insisting that an abused person
“forgive” before they are fully healed is like insisting that a person skip
rope before their broken leg has healed”. It can only make things worse. (Christianity
without the insanity)
The Good Shepherd is the healer of
your broken heart. Don’t avoid forgiveness and allow the enemy to keep you
wallowing in your hurt. It is an act of courage, not weakness.
It is the strong who can put aside the past and let go of their anger and
resentment. It helps unclog the pain in our congested hearts. It is not
forgetting what has been done to you, but remembering and then letting go.
Forgiving is not about reunion.
Forgiving does not obligate us to go
back.
Forgiving someone who did us wrong
does not mean that we tolerate the wrong he or she did.
Forgiving does not mean that we want
to forget what happened.
Forgiving does not mean that we excuse
the person who did it.
Forgiving does not mean that we take
the edge off the evil of what was done to us.
Forgiving does not mean that we
surrender our right to justice.
Forgiving does not mean that we invite
someone who hurt us once to hurt us again.
—Lewis Smedes, The Art of Forgiving
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