Even Though I Walk Through The Valley

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff. they comfort me.

Psalms 23:4(ESV)

Facing my memories of abuse would be the darkest valley I would have to go through. They were around me all the time full of pain and stored in my body. I would have flashbacks that jolted my mind like lightening and would draw me back into hell. They came without any warning. Fear would grip my heart and terror would rip through my body. I am triggered into panic and depression. The memories are pulling me through a black hole that had no bottom. I had carried those secrets inside my soul for so long and they were not going to be sealed back in their vaults anymore.

It feels like I am under water, and desperately trying to claw my way to the surface for a breath of air. I can hear sobbing, and I know it is coming from me, but it sounds so far away and I do not feel any tears in my eyes. I was remembering things that were never supposed to be remembered. A voice in my head whispers “this didn’t really happen, you are lying”.  But these were real-feeling memories in which bruises appeared on my body and I felt pain inside myself. I cannot count how many times I went to the medical doctors searching for something to be wrong with me physically. Tests were done, but they found nothing.

I wanted to disappear without a trace. Life for me felt like I was always crawling around with a terrifying feeling of loneliness, fear, and shame. Shadows and darkness were all around me. Triggers would bring hysteria, anxiety, worry, panic, and fear. My soul felt mutilated and I was unrecognizable as the person I was meant to be. I felt like it was all my fault and I was not worth a good life. I was an abomination only worthy of death by fire. Sometimes even self injury did not seem to make the feeling of being a truly horrible and evil person go away. Everyday I lived with an emptiness that was hollow, cold and frightening. I did not know how to shake this every present gnawing on my soul. It felt like the memories were sucking me in and eating me alive.

Sleep was a welcome escape, but not if the nightmares came. Some nights I’d just lay there all night wide awake frozen with fear afraid the nightmares would come. I would curl up in a ball and try to rock myself to sleep just as I had done as a child, the covers pulled tightly around me up to my neck. In the mornings I would be so tired that my eyes would hurt. I did not feel I was living in my own body. I was stuck somewhere else dark and foggy and there was always this terrible feeling inside that I could never escape. I was afraid I was bad…too bad to let anyone know what was really inside of me.

It was hard for anyone to understand how strong and painful these feelings were for me. I was in pain so deep within that it seemed unreachable. It was a struggle everyday just to live with myself.

It was not easy to tell my husband my feelings when I did not even know them myself. He deserved someone normal, someone better than me. I was dragging him down and I am such a burden, he shouldn’t have to go through this with me. It is not fair to him. He deserves someone normal and better. I do not like what I have become and can’t see any reason why he should stay with me. When I would ask him why he was sticking around. His reply was always the same. I love you and on our wedding day I said, “For better or for worse. We will get through this!” I did not have the capacity to believe him for I was sure one day he would find me useless and worthless and throw me away.

At one of my lowest points in the valley I wrote this:

Where my heart once lay is now an empty cavity and there is no magic ritual that can turn back the hands of time to remove the darkness that fills my soul. No more wishing I could be free from the dark burdens of past sins and no more believing in a forgiving God. All that remains is a shell- all twisted and knotted inside wounded by events that poisoned her soul forever.

I saw the Good Shepherd in my dark valley and He stretched His hand out to me and said “let me help you through this.” But I could not take His hand because I did not totally trust Him. But I did trust my best friend, so I took her hand and she took His hand and together we started through the valley. Sometimes my therapist would walk with us on our journey, but He could only be there a few hours a week. There were many times my best friend was the Good Shepherd’s rod and staff that comforted me.

I remember thinking many times that I felt like the man who had been a cripple for 38 years. He laid by the pool of Bethesda waiting for the angel to come down and stir up the water. Every time he tried to crawl to the pool someone got in before him and he was never fast enough to be healed. He needed help. (John 5:1-16) I was crippled with memories and could not help myself. I needed someone to show me who the Good Shepherd really is and help me get up and walk with me through this valley. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude to my best friend who walked this journey with me. She held on even when I would let go.

Some days I would take two steps forward and then ten steps backwards.

Some days it felt like I was standing in quicksand all day. Some days my brain would just shut off and I could not find a clean unbroken fuse to mend it. I had to take some time away from my job because I was breaking down. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. My insides were screaming to get out but all I could do was sit and stare. My children needed me. My husband needed me. But I could not take care of them.

I was fighting for my life and most of the time I felt like I was losing, but I kept pushing my way out of the darkness. If I continued to live in fear, worry and anxiety then I would still be living under my memories rulings. I needed to reclaim my soul and break all the curses that were placed on me. It was so amazing to me That the Good Shepherd showed me so much love even when I wanted nothing to do with Him. He waited patiently for me to let Him lead me out of my darkness and fear.

This journey was not easy, but I can honestly say now it has been worth it! I have finally found that light I saw in others and yearned for. I am meant to be here, because I am still here. And you are meant to be here if you are reading this. So don’t ever give up the fight. The sun is shining even if it is hidden by the clouds. The Good Shepherd loves you.

The Good Shepherd

I myself will search and find my sheep. I will be like a shepherd looking for his scattered flock. I will find my sheep and rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on that dark and cloudy day. I will bring them back home to their land of Israel from among the peoples and nations. Ezekiel 34:11-13 (NLT)

The Good Shepherd is the true Savior of this one lost sheep!