Even Though I Walk Through The Valley

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff. they comfort me.

Psalms 23:4(ESV)

Facing my memories of abuse would be the darkest valley I would have to go through. They were around me all the time full of pain and stored in my body. I would have flashbacks that jolted my mind like lightening and would draw me back into hell. They came without any warning. Fear would grip my heart and terror would rip through my body. I am triggered into panic and depression. The memories are pulling me through a black hole that had no bottom. I had carried those secrets inside my soul for so long and they were not going to be sealed back in their vaults anymore.

It feels like I am under water, and desperately trying to claw my way to the surface for a breath of air. I can hear sobbing, and I know it is coming from me, but it sounds so far away and I do not feel any tears in my eyes. I was remembering things that were never supposed to be remembered. A voice in my head whispers “this didn’t really happen, you are lying”.  But these were real-feeling memories in which bruises appeared on my body and I felt pain inside myself. I cannot count how many times I went to the medical doctors searching for something to be wrong with me physically. Tests were done, but they found nothing.

I wanted to disappear without a trace. Life for me felt like I was always crawling around with a terrifying feeling of loneliness, fear, and shame. Shadows and darkness were all around me. Triggers would bring hysteria, anxiety, worry, panic, and fear. My soul felt mutilated and I was unrecognizable as the person I was meant to be. I felt like it was all my fault and I was not worth a good life. I was an abomination only worthy of death by fire. Sometimes even self injury did not seem to make the feeling of being a truly horrible and evil person go away. Everyday I lived with an emptiness that was hollow, cold and frightening. I did not know how to shake this every present gnawing on my soul. It felt like the memories were sucking me in and eating me alive.

Sleep was a welcome escape, but not if the nightmares came. Some nights I’d just lay there all night wide awake frozen with fear afraid the nightmares would come. I would curl up in a ball and try to rock myself to sleep just as I had done as a child, the covers pulled tightly around me up to my neck. In the mornings I would be so tired that my eyes would hurt. I did not feel I was living in my own body. I was stuck somewhere else dark and foggy and there was always this terrible feeling inside that I could never escape. I was afraid I was bad…too bad to let anyone know what was really inside of me.

It was hard for anyone to understand how strong and painful these feelings were for me. I was in pain so deep within that it seemed unreachable. It was a struggle everyday just to live with myself.

It was not easy to tell my husband my feelings when I did not even know them myself. He deserved someone normal, someone better than me. I was dragging him down and I am such a burden, he shouldn’t have to go through this with me. It is not fair to him. He deserves someone normal and better. I do not like what I have become and can’t see any reason why he should stay with me. When I would ask him why he was sticking around. His reply was always the same. I love you and on our wedding day I said, “For better or for worse. We will get through this!” I did not have the capacity to believe him for I was sure one day he would find me useless and worthless and throw me away.

At one of my lowest points in the valley I wrote this:

Where my heart once lay is now an empty cavity and there is no magic ritual that can turn back the hands of time to remove the darkness that fills my soul. No more wishing I could be free from the dark burdens of past sins and no more believing in a forgiving God. All that remains is a shell- all twisted and knotted inside wounded by events that poisoned her soul forever.

I saw the Good Shepherd in my dark valley and He stretched His hand out to me and said “let me help you through this.” But I could not take His hand because I did not totally trust Him. But I did trust my best friend, so I took her hand and she took His hand and together we started through the valley. Sometimes my therapist would walk with us on our journey, but He could only be there a few hours a week. There were many times my best friend was the Good Shepherd’s rod and staff that comforted me.

I remember thinking many times that I felt like the man who had been a cripple for 38 years. He laid by the pool of Bethesda waiting for the angel to come down and stir up the water. Every time he tried to crawl to the pool someone got in before him and he was never fast enough to be healed. He needed help. (John 5:1-16) I was crippled with memories and could not help myself. I needed someone to show me who the Good Shepherd really is and help me get up and walk with me through this valley. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude to my best friend who walked this journey with me. She held on even when I would let go.

Some days I would take two steps forward and then ten steps backwards.

Some days it felt like I was standing in quicksand all day. Some days my brain would just shut off and I could not find a clean unbroken fuse to mend it. I had to take some time away from my job because I was breaking down. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. My insides were screaming to get out but all I could do was sit and stare. My children needed me. My husband needed me. But I could not take care of them.

I was fighting for my life and most of the time I felt like I was losing, but I kept pushing my way out of the darkness. If I continued to live in fear, worry and anxiety then I would still be living under my memories rulings. I needed to reclaim my soul and break all the curses that were placed on me. It was so amazing to me That the Good Shepherd showed me so much love even when I wanted nothing to do with Him. He waited patiently for me to let Him lead me out of my darkness and fear.

This journey was not easy, but I can honestly say now it has been worth it! I have finally found that light I saw in others and yearned for. I am meant to be here, because I am still here. And you are meant to be here if you are reading this. So don’t ever give up the fight. The sun is shining even if it is hidden by the clouds. The Good Shepherd loves you.

The Good Shepherd

I myself will search and find my sheep. I will be like a shepherd looking for his scattered flock. I will find my sheep and rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on that dark and cloudy day. I will bring them back home to their land of Israel from among the peoples and nations. Ezekiel 34:11-13 (NLT)

The Good Shepherd is the true Savior of this one lost sheep!

Forgiveness-Unclogging My Heart

To truly live out the Good Shepherd’s example and His teachings on forgiveness may be simple to understand in our heads, but difficult to feel in our hearts when we are the ones that were wounded. It is hard when the wounds are deep and the sins committed against us has changed our lives.

My life was shattered and I was struggling to put the pieces back together. My painful feelings that I had as a child seemed just as clear and vivid now as an adult, sometimes making me feel that my abuse had just happened yesterday. How could I forgive my abusers when all I felt was hatred and rage? Forgiveness was more than my abusers deserved! What they did was unforgiveable, and I thought if I forgave them they somehow won.

My abusers power and control over me put me in a vulnerable, powerless position that was the structure of my life. I was conflicted internally because I was raised in a very religious environment where forgiveness was mandatory and if I didn’t forgive I would be rejected by God. Unless I wanted to spend eternity in Hell I had to forgive. Not forgiving was far worse than anything that was done to me. I was taught refusing to forgive made me worse than my abusers. I learned the definition of forgiveness meant “pretend like it never happened,” and I should not feel any negative emotions toward my abusers. So I stuffed and denied my feelings, stuck a nice big smile on my face, and put my church mask on. Forgiveness was supposed to be the path of healing so I pretended to be healed. I buried my anger deep and hoped it would never be found.

Some churches expect those who have been victimized, to forgive their abuser before the abuser has even confessed and repented. A girl I knew  was being abused by her father and told her church. The church felt all she needed to do was go down to the alter and pray for Gods help to forgive him. She was told if she forgave him her pain would go away. She knelt at the alter and prayed for help and then went home only to be abused again by him that night and many more years afterwards. How can the church ask a broken person to forgive in the same way the Good Shepherd did? Isn’t it more compassionate to give the person an opportunity to grow towards the idea of forgiving their abusers?

As I began my journey of healing every time a picture was added to my story of abuse it made it harder to consider the possibility of unconditional forgiveness. I thought if I forgave them I would somehow be letting them off the hook-to get up and go about their merry way scot-free why I unfairly continued to suffer from their actions. I needed to be allowed the chance for emotional and spiritual growth before I could even think about forgiveness. If anyone would had even suggested that I forgive in the beginning of my therapy I would have reacted like I was being locked in a cage with a beast with long claws and razor sharp teeth.

With the help of my therapist and the Good Shepherd I learned that the pain and anger I was holding onto was turning into bitterness. I was starting to feel isolated and alone in my pain which was leading me into a deep depression and anxiety. Satan wanted me to feel isolated and destroyed by what had been done to me. Anger and resentment was draining my energy and keeping me a prisoner to my past. I couldn’t change the past all I could do was change the future.

This was a decision I had to make on my own for myself. It was not going to be easy to forgive the ones who tore my spirit down and shattered my dreams. It was a long an difficult process and it didn’t happen overnight. The Good Shepherd showed me forgiving them was a gift that I could give myself because it would set me free from my resentment and anger. Forgiveness meant letting Him take care of punishing them.

They did not ask for forgiveness so why should I forgive them? Because the Good Shepherd had already poured out his blood for the wrong that was done to me. For this is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. Matthew 26:28(ESV) He showed me forgiveness is not about the other person it is about Him and me. It would have been wonderful if my abusers were truly sorry and asked for forgiveness, but that was not the case for me. So I gave the Good Shepherd the pain I felt because they were not repentant for hurting me. He was able to provide peace and healing in my life even without my abusers being sorry or wanting to mend their relationships with me. Little by little yesterday’s pain of the past was no longer the foundation for my future. I was beginning to place responsibility where it should be and leave the past behind.

I needed to let go of the blame and start taking responsibility for my own behavior. I needed to be free from my own self-destructive coping mechanisms. I needed to be free from getting angry and wanting to kill every man walking down the street holding a little girl’s hand, and I needed to be free from wearing that “victim/survivor” label like a visible tattoo. If I chose not to forgive them it would be like handcuffing myself to them and dragging them around with me everywhere I went so I chose to undo the handcuffs.

They started to become a distant memory as I continued to face my past. I will never forget what they did, but forgiving them helped me let go of my need to control their fate and determining what they “deserved”. My memories were still painful sometimes, but they no longer had power over me. They didn’t totally knocked me down and run over me like they used to. They are my history, and not who I am!

Forgiving someone is a very personal and sensitive issue and everyone has their own timing and ways in which they heal while moving through their pain towards forgiveness and understanding. The hurt emotions and the crippled spiritual pain I experienced deep in my heart had to be given a chance to find new life. I was responsible for myself and my relationship with the Good Shepherd.  “Forgiveness isn’t one size fits all. Insisting that an abused person “forgive” before they are fully healed is like insisting that a person skip rope before their broken leg has healed”. It can only make things worse. (Christianity without the insanity)

The Good Shepherd is the healer of your broken heart. Don’t avoid forgiveness and allow the enemy to keep you wallowing in your hurt. It is an act of courage, not weakness. It is the strong who can put aside the past and let go of their anger and resentment. It helps unclog the pain in our congested hearts. It is not forgetting what has been done to you, but remembering and then letting go.

Forgiving happens inside the person who does it.

Forgiving is not about reunion.

Forgiving does not obligate us to go back.

Forgiving someone who did us wrong does not mean that we tolerate the wrong he or she did.

Forgiving does not mean that we want to forget what happened.

Forgiving does not mean that we excuse the person who did it.

Forgiving does not mean that we take the edge off the evil of what was done to us.

Forgiving does not mean that we surrender our right to justice.

Forgiving does not mean that we invite someone who hurt us once to hurt us again.

—Lewis Smedes, The Art of Forgiving

Roots, Reality, and Redemption-The Root of Self-loathing

No one is born self-loathing themselves. This pattern of behavior has to be learned somewhere. As a child I came up with all sorts of reasons to despise myself for being unlovable.

My childhoods tender conscience was shattered by an immense burden of false guilt. I was sworn to secrecy so my emotions had to stay bottled up. My parents rejection, abuse, and hurtful words affected how I thought about God and about myself. I grew up convinced that I would never be good enough to live up to the standard I was taught. So I decided as a child I must have been bad. I was worthless and needed to be abused because I was so bad. As a child I couldn’t blame my parents, so I blamed myself. I used self-loathing to protect me from the brutal pain and shame of childhood; of always being found “less than”, “never good enough”, “not wanted”, “stupid”, etc. It was always better that I criticize myself and change my behavior before the real judges punished me.

I will never forget as a child I came home from grade school one day in tears because I was teased so bad about being ugly and my mom said it was not her fault I looked like my dad. What was I supposed to do with that response? As a child I took it to mean my mom thinks I’m ugly and is rejecting me too. I hated myself and felt worthless.

There were a list of rules to maintain and I had developed characteristic’s and behaviors that tried to live by these rules with the hope that my parents would have very little reason to shame and verbally abuse me. I was so plagued with shame that self-loathing became my constant companion and leaked into other aspects of my life. My desire to please, my need for acceptance, and my perfectionist tendencies. Sometimes it would show itself in depression, anxiety, and physical addictions.

My emotional pain dug very deep within my core. Layers from years of blame, guilt, and shame were locked within my soul. It was this relentless and vicious screaming monster that crippled and controlled my every waking hour constantly punishing, judging, and shaming me by impersonating the voices of my parents and the church with their harsh religious beliefs.

Self-loathing also affected me physically. My throat would get tight, my heart would start beating fast and a feeling of panic and anxiety started taking over my body. I would immediately think mean and dramatic thoughts about myself while I tried to quickly fix what I had done wrong this time. I felt ashamed and embarrassed because I thought everyone would see how awful I was.

Self-loathing was not just something I would grow out of as I became an adult. It had become one of my many defense strategies. I would “take control” of the situation by rejecting myself before anyone could (“You can’t hurt me near as much as I can hurt myself”). I wanted to avoid a sudden unexpected rejection (“your rejection has no effect on me because I already hate and reject myself “). Even after I married it was hard to believe that my husband could love someone as unlovable as me. And it caused several problems in our marriage. I was so imprisoned by a guilt-ridden cycle of self-loathing that I could view my self no other way than unforgiveable and hopeless.

I never saw myself as others did. My self image was so hardened that when people would say positive things about me I didn’t believe them. It would hardly register with me that kind words were even spoken because I believed I had no worth or value. I believed the lies about myself and Satan used this for his gain. Sefl-loathing is a treacherous scheme of Satan designed to destroy our relationship with the Good Shepherd and with others. I was powerless inside to be able to forgive myself and Satan used that against me.

I had to let the Good Shepherd help me break the bond of this unloving spirit otherwise it would remain with me for the rest of my life. I had to be willing to listen and accept what the Good Shepherd and others I trusted said about me. I needed to accept the Good Shepherds love and forgiveness and reject the LIE that the He saw me as unworthy, blemished, and rejected. The hurtful things that happened to me were not His will and it grieved His heart. I felt like garbage growing up, but He wanted me to see I was never garbage in His eyes. I was unable to appreciate the Good Shepherd’s love for me. He taught me that His love and acceptance of me was not based on my performance rating. It was based on His love for me by dying on the cross for my sins. Romans 8:38(NLV) says: For I know that nothing can keep us from the love of God. Death cannot! Life cannot! Angels cannot! Leaders cannot! Any other power cannot! Hard things now or in the future cannot! The Good Shepherd was shaking my belief system to weed out the lies and misconceptions I had been taught about God and Himself. I had to stop condemning myself and stop believing that God was condemning me.

As the Good Shepherd starting healing the place where this root had been, I started to uncover my feelings of kindness, compassion, caring, and gentleness. I found out I did have the ability to love and to connect with others especially my own husband and children. The Good Shepherd showed me that just having that ability proved that I was not worthless and I was a good person!

In the security of the Good Shepherd’s arms I started to experience deliverance from rejection and self-loathing. I demanded that the stronghold of self-loathing be destroyed in the Good Shepherd’s name and I asked him to help me pull out this deep rooted inner hate I had for myself. His perfect love broke the bondage of my self-loathing and I received His grace to just let myself BE…a stumbling child that just needed to be loved and held in the safety of His arms. While holding me He whispered, “I am here. I have always been here. I am your strength. I am the gentle whisper that tells you its ok and you are loved. I believe in your worth and you are beautiful.”

There is no one on this earth who will pay more attention to or care for you more than the Good Shepherd. I still have days when disappointments come but I am learning how to deal with life differently with the Good Shepherds insights and understandings. Sometimes, I still catch myself using negative thoughts when I make a mistake. What I have discovered about the Good Shepherd is that His love is not based on my performance. His acceptance of me is not based on what I do. I don’t have it all together and I am still a work in progress. The re-wiring of my brain to think differently takes time and I need to be patient with myself. Healing from this is a spiritual and emotional process.

As I finish writing my final thoughts for this post I would like to share a couple of scriptures I came across the other day in my reading:

For if a man belongs to Christ, he is a new person. The old life is gone. New life has begun. 2 Corinthians 5:17(NLV)

He gives us everything we need for life and for holy living. He gives it through His great power. As we come to know Him better, we learn that He called us to share His own shining-greatness and perfect life.

2 Peter 1:3(NLV)

My prayer is to be a channel of healing for others as I continue to heal.

I feel in my heart the Good Shepherd saying, “Give others out there who are suffering the love I have shown you. Help them find me and help them find their worth.

Roots, Reality, and Redemption-The Root of Shame

Shame is more than just an awful feeling you get when you have done something wrong. It is hidden disgrace and humiliation. It often makes a person feel worthless, rejected, and cast out. It can make a person feel like a complete loser and an utter failure as a human being. It can cause massive destruction even to the point of death.

I learned at a young age that I was not wanted. Everything was my fault. My feelings didn’t count, and I was responsible for other peoples feelings. Shame’s deep roots left me with a sense of emptiness and a heaviness that pressed in on my spirit and dampened my appreciation for life. It had soaked in and discolored my feelings about everyone and everything. I truly believed that I was not loved because I was not loveable.  I stopped trusting my judgments, feelings and desires. Its roots were wrapped around my heart and every dimension of my soul was affected by its deadly poison.

When I was in the hospital for treatment, I was asked to write a letter to my mom telling her about my feelings of shame as a child. Not a blaming letter, but just how I felt. I remember I never got to finish reading the letter because she stood up and yelled at me all the way down the hallway to the elevator. I remember watching her get on that elevator and was so crushed inside that even though I was in the hospital I tried to end my life that night.

My shame insisted on being covered up so it could hide in secrecy and darkness. It would show itself as self-hatred and self-abuse.  Abuse of others with my rage (rage frightened those around me and did it’s job by keeping others away from me). It also showed itself as depression, perfectionism, addictions and compulsions. My shame was so painful and so debilitating that I had developed a thousand coping strategies to avoid its tortures. I used up my energy always being on guard because I feared that I would be exposed and everyone would see that I was a flawed and defective person.

Shame continually whispered, “You don’t fit in.” “They think you aren’t good enough.” “You’re a mistake”. “You’re worthless and no one will ever like you.” It’s voice replayed repeatedly in my mind like a broken record.  I would look in the mirror and hated everything about the person looking back! I was a bad person and I felt dirty, stupid, worthless, ugly and deformed.

Even after I married, I felt isolated and alone. I never really felt connected to my husband, because I had no connecting skills. It was hard to love and trust anyone. I was unable to feel any joy in my life and felt like a mechanical robot. I was always monitoring every one of my actions on the outside of my body making sure every detail of my behavior was carefully monitored for fear that my true heart might be exposed. I was at war within myself that caused extreme chaos. The feeling that I was damaged and different from other people, and the thought that I would never be whole left me with so much pain that at times it felt unbearable. All I could do was try to keep the pain I felt inside and never let it show on the outside.

When shame entered my heart as a child my real self became too painful to live with, so my false self began to form. I was spiritually broke so I was unable to accept my true identity as His child. The Good Shepherd was asking me to face my shame and then let it go, but I did not want to give up my mask and defenses. I did not want to become vulnerable and share my emotions with others!  

The Good Shepherd gently reminded me He had placed good people in my life that I could trust and it was time to lean on them and Him. I needed to come out of isolation and hiding. I was going to have to face my shame and feel the agonizing feelings that were connected to it to change the way I viewed myself.

In Hebrews 12:2, the Good Shepherd did not avoid suffering, but he rejected the shame. He did not accept the shame others were trying to put on him. He was being treated as a person with little or no value. But the message of shame, “you have little or no value,” was a lie and He refused to accept it.

In Matthew 21:18-20 the barren fig tree, with its nice façade but damaged roots was how I was controlled by my shame. I was unable to fulfill His purpose for my life. The Good Shepherd cursed the fig tree and it died from the roots up. This is how the Good Shepherd delt with my core of shame which had blocked my heart. He smiled at me and poured out healing, forgiveness and restoration on me so I could become an entirely new person in Him!

I started to discover my inner strength. I felt like I was starting to thaw out and feel again. It was a very slow and painful process, but my beliefs about myself slowly started to change. I learned I was not bad. I was loveable and acceptable. Unconditional love from others and the Good Shepherd helped me start to become whole and accept all the parts of myself.

There are far too many of us that feel dirty, worthless and ashamed of ourselves. We feel so unclean and unworthy that we think we could never approach the Good Shepherd. Satan does not want us to heal from our shame. He does not want us to have that intimate relationship the Good Shepherd is longing to have with us. None of us are ever “less than!” None of us are “unlovable”, “beyond repair”, or “worthless”! We are loved and adored by the Good Shepherd who wants to heal us. He wants to heal those memories, circumstances, and scars that are too hard to speak about. He wants to heal your broken places and make you whole.