The Safety Of My Own Nest

Holidays can be a time of anxiety and sadness for a lot of people. For many it is NOT “the most wonderful time of the year”! Holidays can also trigger more pain than joy. Many times I have just simply tried to survive family time without too much stress. I spent a lot of Thanksgivings viewing messages of gratefulness with my own special type of skepticism.

Looking back on my childhood, there were some good times, mostly on Thanksgiving because we went to my favorite grandma and grandpas house. There I got to see my cousins and I had very loving aunts and uncles who I couldn’t wait to see!  Christmas was a whole different story! The fighting between my parents, the perfectionism, the long two day drive to my other grandparents home. The constant bickering and fighting in the car. (Mostly my parents, but my sister and I could go a round or two also)

I tried to make it work and be with my family but I always came away defeated, more depressed, and sometimes more suicidal. With the help of my therapist and the Good Shepherd, I started learning that I was compromising my own healing by minimizing the amount of mental and psychological pain I experienced when being around people who triggered memories of my abuse. This was a very emotional time of the year for me and as a survivor I needed to learn to practice self care.

Perfect Holidays are not realistic. I needed to start focusing on sharing my time with people I cared about and cared about me.  We don’t have a choice of what family we are born into, but we do have a choice to create a family of people we trust and cherish..

The Good Shepherd showed me that family is more than blood-it is about love!  It was time to expand my circle and start making my OWN holiday traditions. I needed to give myself permission to do what was best for me! With each holiday season I had an opportunity to start or continue my own traditions. I had lost enough “joy” to my abuse and now I was going to start finding my own small “joys”.  I now have close friends who we spend most holidays with. Their families have also welcomed me with immeasurable love. I am so grateful that The Good Shepherd has brought good healthy people into my life that I can call my family.

One year, for Thanksgiving, I volunteered to take meals to the shut ins in our community. My daughter and my sister-in-law went with me and I really enjoyed spending time with them and being able to help others. It helped me forget for awhile how depressed I was.

Our first thanksgiving with our granddaughter (she was 8 months old). I was watching my two children and their spouses, my husband, and of course my granddaughter all spending time together.  My heart welled up with tears of joy. I thought to myself, It IS worth it! How different would this scene be if I had decided all the work I was doing to heal was too hard? Would my children be the adults they are today if I had not broken ties with the ones who hurt me? And I have the peace of knowing my granddaughter and any future grandchildren would not have to grow up in the abusiveness I did. I was very thankful that day that I had stuck with my choice to change the cycle of abuse in my family.

Even though our culture, religion, and society define what the meaning and traditions of the holidays are, don’t forget that you can create your own meaning and traditions. I have learned and I’m still learning that presents don’t have to be wrapped perfect. I can bake cookies with my grandchildren and they can make a mess and it is ok if the cookies don’t turn out perfect. That God is not going to send me to hell if I choose to stay home with my family Christmas Eve and not go to the Church’s Christmas Eve service. And it is ok if we don’t eat holiday dinners the exact time that was set.

If you are struggling this holiday season please hold on! Give yourself a chance to know what it is like to live and become the person you want to be. Please continue to have hope. Even though you may feel lost during this time, please allow yourself to open up and accept that you are indeed loved and worthy.

My heart goes out to those who dread this season. I have been there. Please know that you are a person of value, and as an adult you are allowed to create new traditions. You deserve to experience the joys of this season. This holiday season, take the time to care for yourself. It’s the best gift you’ll give or receive. It is important to be kind to yourself with whatever decisions you make regarding holidays. Don’t abandon yourself and it is so important not to isolate yourself! Make sure you have others to talk to that feel safe and supportive to you.

We get to make a choice to create good new memories for the holidays and once we do it till be etched into our hearts forever.