Not What You See

It’s Easter weekend – and for me it is still a conflicting time. The significance of Easter is much deeper than baskets of Cadbury eggs, ham dinners, and annual visits to church. It is the time during which the Good Shepherd was tortured, murdered, buried, and resurrected within three days. He experienced unbelievable abuse, shame, humiliation, betrayal, rejection, and physical heartbreak. He was blamed for doing things He did not do. He died a death for a crime He did not commit.

It is also a time that memories of my past as a SRA (Satanic Ritual Abuse) survivor starts penetrating my mind. Thoughts of being taught that Satan is God and that the God of the Bible is a weak God. That Satan won the victory when he killed Jesus at the cross, and that Jesus is dead now. Remembering how they mocked the Lord’s Supper and made a mockery out of Christ’s Resurrection. Sometimes saying that Jesus was present at the rituals and approved of them. Their purpose was to control and destroy my life through a systematic dehumanization of my soul.

I have healed a lot and come a very long way in my recovery of abuse, but I still am very anxious when Easter starts to approach and I feel myself starting to go through the motions to just to get through it as quick as possible. I have seen that the power of the Good Shepherd is greater than the power of Satan and I have overcome the spiritual problems and broken the programming of my mind. I am NOT afraid of the Good Shepherd anymore and I am NOT afraid to go to church. But I feel like my soul is still not connecting to what the true meaning of Easter is.

My daughter will be thirty years old on Easter Sunday this year. Thirty years ago she was born on Good Friday. I remember when she was born being so afraid to let her leave my sight for fear she would be taken. I was calling the nurses station all the time wanting to know if she was still there. I am sure they thought I was mentally unstable, but I always remembered being so afraid she would be taken from me. It wasn’t until years later in my healing I realized why I was so afraid. In the cult human sacrifices are performed throughout the Easter holidays. These Satanic ritual killings begin on “Good Friday” and continue through Easter Sunday.

I have been praying a lot as this Easter approaches. What does the Good Shepherd want me to know and feel about Easter. I don’t want to continue to just get by during this holiday and feel nothing. I came across this scripture the other day in my reading and as I read it I really felt it was time to write about my struggle with Easter. Ephesians 5:11-13NLT says: Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them. It is shameful even to talk about the things that ungodly people do in secret. But their evil intentions will be exposed when the light shines on them. What happened to me was certainly evil and dark and I am tired of that overshadowing my ability to celebrate Easter.

This week as I was playing for communion at our church’s Maundy Thursday service, I was glad I was playing the piano so I did not have to partake in the communion. I still get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and try to think about something else, but this time was different. I felt the Good Shepherd say to me, “trust me. I have healed every foul thing that has ever touched your lips.” I do believe that the Good Shepherd can only heal what we give to him. So, am I willing to give Him my struggle with Easter? Am I willing to let Him remove the stinger that is still there from the trauma I experienced so it can be healed and is no longer painful to look back on?

Healing is being able to take a step forward, no matter how tiny and even if it is only in my heart.

Healing is being able to face some aspect of the past…without completely falling to pieces and being able to realize that some part of my history no matter how big or small no longer has a hold on me.

Healing is having the freedom to fully unleash my creativity and

play music again, write again, talk again, and share again.

Healing is giving myself permission to live life to the fullest and know that I was a victim who dared to survive and I’m now a survivor who dares to thrive.

Healing is being able to see the Good Shepherds love for me even when I don’t deserve it. And being able to see His hand in my life…even during the most awful of experiences.

So here is what the Good Shepherd wants me to do with His help. Take my everyday life; and place it before Him as an offering. I will fix my attention on Him and I will be changed from the inside out. Romans 12:1-2 (paraphrased).  I  think of these words from the song “From the Inside Out’ by Hillsong:  My heart and my soul, I give You control. Consume me from the inside out Lord. Let justice and praise, become my embrace To love you from the inside out. Everlasting Your light will shine when all else fades. Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all face and the cry of my heart is to bring you praise, From the inside out, O my soul cries out….

I celebrate everyday because the Good Shepherd has freed me from my past, but on this Easter (Resurrection Day) I will celebrate because I know He will truly raised me from the dead!

Taking Off the Masks-There Is Hope

“We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin”. (Canadian novelist Andre Berthiaume)

Growing up I was sad and lonely most of the time. I really didn’t have anyone to comfort me so I wore many masks that hid my feelings behind lies. With my masks I was able to function, but deep inside I felt empty and like parts of me were missing. Nobody could hear my cries in the night or see the pain I was feeling for I designed my masks to be laughing all the time, perfect all the time, and smiling all the time. My life felt like I was going through the motions like a robot, programmed by someone else. I did take pride in being able to hide my own emotions. Pretending was an art that became second nature to me. I gave everyone the impression that I was secure. All was sunny and self-controlled with me. Confidence was my name and coolness was my game.

I am not the type of person that is an open book and broadcasts my deepest path and insecurities to the world. This would make me look vulnerable and being vulnerable is weak. I did not want to be pitied or perceived as a weak person. No one was every going to look inside my soul, and see my deepest desires, regrets, and insecurities. I trusted no one. I did not want others to see the pain I hid inside me. I did not want them to suspect the dark horrid thoughts that pounced on me when I least expected it. I did not want them to know how insecure I was and at times wanting to be gone from this world and all the pain go with it.

Day by day I felt I was dying a very slow death. The pain of uncovering old wounds was mentally and emotionally traumatizing. I felt like all the oxygen had left the room and I truly could not breathe. I had disappeared a long time ago and my masks were what the world saw. I had disconnected from myself in order to survive and had convinced myself that nothing would ever erase the ugliness left behind. The surface of my mask was smooth but beneath laid lies, confusion, fear, and loneliness. I would start to panic at any thoughts I may have that my weaknesses may be exposed. Underneath my masks were my wounds and as long as I kept my masks on, those wounds were controlling me. Everything was crashing down around me and taking my masks off would mean admitting that I was NOT okay.

I didn’t like hiding and playing those superficial phony games I had learned in my childhood. I wanted to stop playing them and be genuine, but I needed help. Along in my life came love and understanding from people I had never met before. Would I be able to trust that hand reaching out to me to wipe my tears? Could I trust their kind, gentle, and encouraging spirits? I didn’t know what would be under all my masks and if I would even be underneath them? I wasn’t so sure I wanted others to see my TRUE self and to be honest, I didn’t want to see it either. If people thought less of me and laughed that would just kill me and I was afraid that deep down I was nothing and they would see that and reject me. I was a trembling child within with a parade of masks that told you everything is really nothing and nothing is everything. Those people’s unfailing love for me started to strip my masks away. I kept struggling every day to keep my masks in place, but eventually they no longer fit my face. I started feeling like the Good Shepherd was breathing life into me. He is the only one that could break down the masks I had hid and trembled behind for so many years. He is the only one that could release me from my world of panic, and my lonely prison.

The possibility of freedom to be ourselves and take our masks off are always going to be beat out by the likelihood of rejection. Other people cannot make that guarantee to us because they are human and flawed just like we are. The only safe place is the Good Shepherd. He is the only one who accepts us truly as we are and He just wants us to be in a relationship with Him. When I could finally trust enough to know that I was welcome in His arms it freed me from unrealistic standards and empowered me to start taking my masks off and start living a life of truth!

There was a cost for the masks I wore. I was unable to express myself and show my real feelings. I did not know how to lovingly nurture my children without abusive words and actions. And it prevented me from experiencing closeness with others and with the Good Shepherd.

I did a minimum of 18 years of hard labor for a crime I did not commit. But during that time of therapy and much prayer I learned that no one can alter my inner core (my center of purity, wholeness, and beauty). I am the only one who has the power with the Good Shepherd’s help to take my masks off and begin again. And I do believe, now, that I am worthy enough to begin again!

The Good Shepherd never wore masks. He never hid is true self from people or from His father. He furrowed his brow at the Pharisees, smiled warmly at little children, looked with pity on the crowds, lashed out at the money changers and wept at the death of Lazarus. He even pleaded with His father in the garden and cried out in pain on the cross.

The Good Shepherd empowers us to do absolutely everything, and even our next breath is a gift from Him! He has made you and me in His own image, so we are valuable for who we are and not what we do. He loves us completely and unconditionally; you can neither earn no lose His love. Don’t be afraid to be honest with Him, He understands our emotions. In this messy life we know that our life depends on Him so may we all be honest enough to take our masks off.

The Good Shepherd did for me what I could never do myself. He stripped away my mask and He will do it for you. So here I am – missing skin and all.

Can you let the Good Shepherd take your masks and allow your pain to end? I know you can do it, because I did. I gave my masks to Him and now He gives me strength to walk the path I must walk in this life. He loves you very much and He is always there to help you!

To paraphrase the apostle Paul: “The Good Shepherd’s grace; it's all you and I need. His strength truly comes into its own in my weakness." And once I realized that; once I let go and trusted that He knows me far better than I know myself, I could quit focusing on my imperfections and begin appreciating the gift. It became a case of the Good Shepherd’s strength moving in on my weakness. That’s why I can be so sure that every detail in my life can and will be worked into something good. My limitations that cut me down (abuse, accidents, & opposition) I just let Him take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become in Him!