I have been thinking a lot lately
about the things in my life today that makes me throw my fists up in the air
and think, “it just isn’t fair”! I have already worked so hard to overcome so
much in my life but why can’t I seem to get a grip on this chronic pain in my present?
Honestly sometimes I feel like the Psalmist David when he cried out “My God, my
God, why have You left me alone? Why are You so far from helping me, and from
the words I cry inside myself? O my God, I cry during the day, but
You do not answer. I cry during the night, but I find no rest”. (Psalm 22:1-2NLT)As
I was praying about this a question came to my mind; was I going to continue to
look at my pain as a mistake the Good Shepherd made or look at it as a gift and
embrace it for my spiritual growth?
I have found gifts in my traumatic
experience of abuse. It has taught me how to be humble, compassionate, and most
of all empathetic to other people. But once again in my life I am at a
crossroad faced with two choices; give up or look deep inside myself and find
the ability to come through this stronger and more humble than I was before.
This pain has me deep within its
clutches. Some days I don’t think I can stand it anymore. Day after day the
pain just wears me out; it is always there. Some days it is just a dull ache
and I think its not so bad. But without any warning it turns into excruciating
pain that debilitates me and renders me useless. It certainly feels like my
enemy, but the Good Shepherd is asking me to look at this as no longer being my
enemy? It has robbed me of many aspects of my life, and this is certainly not
where I envisioned myself to be at this time in my life. It is frustrating when
80 year olds with walkers are passing by me in the grocery store! So what are
my choices Good Shepherd?
I can choose to become bitter, or I
can choose to use this as a incentive for growth. I can choose to focus on what
I can’t do, or I can look for opportunities to use the abilities I do have to
honor Him. I can choose to believe that the most significant seasons of my life
is over or I can choose to believe His word-that He delights in the weak to
confound the wise and that His power is made perfect in our weakness. Wow! I
had never thought of it this way before.
As the Good Shepherd speaks to my soul
I am starting to grasp the concept that I am not just my circumstances, but I
am something MUCH greater! That somehow my moments of deep despair and
gut-wrenching hopelessness serve as a door of transformation to grace and
compassion. It is the grace of discovering that my
life is more than the circumstances
that lead to my chronic pain. It does
not determine what the rest of my life will be like. Everything I am going
through, every struggle, pain, or hardship is actually a gift. It is a gift
because it has brought me to my knees, where I have once again questioned the
purpose of my life. It is a gift because it has asked me to go deeper into
myself and find more about who I am.
Unfortunately, we all live in fallen
and broken bodies and there is not one of us that will avoid some sort of
struggle or hardship in our lives. There might be some things that happened
that will shake us to our very core. Sometimes life is really tough and really
unfair! We often feel betrayed and question why do we have to go through life’s
struggles?
The Good Shepherd is helping me look
at my struggles and hardships as gifts so that I can reach deep down inside of
myself and discover my inner power and glory of who I am. By faith I am going to lean into pain’s sting
and allow myself to be placed on its potter’s wheel and transformed into all I
can ever hope to be and more. I am working towards eventually saying “I have
this-but it doesn’t have me!”
My prayer is to give hope and courage
to those reading this and show that it is possible to overcome anything. As I
have been writing this I have thought a lot about my uncle. He has gone through
horrible struggles and hardships. I finally got to go and visit him and my aunt
this summer and he really amazed me. I did not see any bitterness or anger over
what he had to go through. All I saw was those same kind loving eyes and that
same quiet smile I always remembered as a child growing up.
My prayer to the Good Shepherd:
“Please help me in my unbelief as I
work through the reality of the pain from which I suffer. Let me be ever
mindful of your hand upon me. Let me see the truth of my life and accept what
you have given me, so that I may make the most of all the gifts you have given.”
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