Thursday, April 10, 2014

Taking Off the Masks-There Is Hope

“We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin”. (Canadian novelist Andre Berthiaume)

Growing up I was sad and lonely most of the time. I really didn’t have anyone to comfort me so I wore many masks that hid my feelings behind lies. With my masks I was able to function, but deep inside I felt empty and like parts of me were missing. Nobody could hear my cries in the night or see the pain I was feeling for I designed my masks to be laughing all the time, perfect all the time, and smiling all the time. My life felt like I was going through the motions like a robot, programmed by someone else. I did take pride in being able to hide my own emotions. Pretending was an art that became second nature to me. I gave everyone the impression that I was secure. All was sunny and self-controlled with me. Confidence was my name and coolness was my game.

I am not the type of person that is an open book and broadcasts my deepest path and insecurities to the world. This would make me look vulnerable and being vulnerable is weak. I did not want to be pitied or perceived as a weak person. No one was every going to look inside my soul, and see my deepest desires, regrets, and insecurities. I trusted no one. I did not want others to see the pain I hid inside me. I did not want them to suspect the dark horrid thoughts that pounced on me when I least expected it. I did not want them to know how insecure I was and at times wanting to be gone from this world and all the pain go with it.

Day by day I felt I was dying a very slow death. The pain of uncovering old wounds was mentally and emotionally traumatizing. I felt like all the oxygen had left the room and I truly could not breathe. I had disappeared a long time ago and my masks were what the world saw. I had disconnected from myself in order to survive and had convinced myself that nothing would ever erase the ugliness left behind. The surface of my mask was smooth but beneath laid lies, confusion, fear, and loneliness. I would start to panic at any thoughts I may have that my weaknesses may be exposed. Underneath my masks were my wounds and as long as I kept my masks on, those wounds were controlling me. Everything was crashing down around me and taking my masks off would mean admitting that I was NOT okay.

I didn’t like hiding and playing those superficial phony games I had learned in my childhood. I wanted to stop playing them and be genuine, but I needed help. Along in my life came love and understanding from people I had never met before. Would I be able to trust that hand reaching out to me to wipe my tears? Could I trust their kind, gentle, and encouraging spirits? I didn’t know what would be under all my masks and if I would even be underneath them? I wasn’t so sure I wanted others to see my TRUE self and to be honest, I didn’t want to see it either. If people thought less of me and laughed that would just kill me and I was afraid that deep down I was nothing and they would see that and reject me. I was a trembling child within with a parade of masks that told you everything is really nothing and nothing is everything. Those people’s unfailing love for me started to strip my masks away. I kept struggling every day to keep my masks in place, but eventually they no longer fit my face. I started feeling like the Good Shepherd was breathing life into me. He is the only one that could break down the masks I had hid and trembled behind for so many years. He is the only one that could release me from my world of panic, and my lonely prison.

The possibility of freedom to be ourselves and take our masks off are always going to be beat out by the likelihood of rejection. Other people cannot make that guarantee to us because they are human and flawed just like we are. The only safe place is the Good Shepherd. He is the only one who accepts us truly as we are and He just wants us to be in a relationship with Him. When I could finally trust enough to know that I was welcome in His arms it freed me from unrealistic standards and empowered me to start taking my masks off and start living a life of truth!

There was a cost for the masks I wore. I was unable to express myself and show my real feelings. I did not know how to lovingly nurture my children without abusive words and actions. And it prevented me from experiencing closeness with others and with the Good Shepherd.

I did a minimum of 18 years of hard labor for a crime I did not commit. But during that time of therapy and much prayer I learned that no one can alter my inner core (my center of purity, wholeness, and beauty). I am the only one who has the power with the Good Shepherd’s help to take my masks off and begin again. And I do believe, now, that I am worthy enough to begin again!

The Good Shepherd never wore masks. He never hid is true self from people or from His father. He furrowed his brow at the Pharisees, smiled warmly at little children, looked with pity on the crowds, lashed out at the money changers and wept at the death of Lazarus. He even pleaded with His father in the garden and cried out in pain on the cross.

The Good Shepherd empowers us to do absolutely everything, and even our next breath is a gift from Him! He has made you and me in His own image, so we are valuable for who we are and not what we do. He loves us completely and unconditionally; you can neither earn no lose His love. Don’t be afraid to be honest with Him, He understands our emotions. In this messy life we know that our life depends on Him so may we all be honest enough to take our masks off.

The Good Shepherd did for me what I could never do myself. He stripped away my mask and He will do it for you. So here I am – missing skin and all.
Can you let the Good Shepherd take your masks and allow your pain to end? I know you can do it, because I did. I gave my masks to Him and now He gives me strength to walk the path I must walk in this life. He loves you very much and He is always there to help you!

To paraphrase the apostle Paul: “The Good Shepherd’s grace; it's all you and I need. His strength truly comes into its own in my weakness." And once I realized that; once I let go and trusted that He knows me far better than I know myself, I could quit focusing on my imperfections and begin appreciating the gift. It became a case of the Good Shepherd’s strength moving in on my weakness. That’s why I can be so sure that every detail in my life can and will be worked into something good. My limitations that cut me down (abuse, accidents, & opposition) I just let Him take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become in Him!



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