Not What You See

It’s Easter weekend – and for me it is still a conflicting time. The significance of Easter is much deeper than baskets of Cadbury eggs, ham dinners, and annual visits to church. It is the time during which the Good Shepherd was tortured, murdered, buried, and resurrected within three days. He experienced unbelievable abuse, shame, humiliation, betrayal, rejection, and physical heartbreak. He was blamed for doing things He did not do. He died a death for a crime He did not commit.

It is also a time that memories of my past as a SRA (Satanic Ritual Abuse) survivor starts penetrating my mind. Thoughts of being taught that Satan is God and that the God of the Bible is a weak God. That Satan won the victory when he killed Jesus at the cross, and that Jesus is dead now. Remembering how they mocked the Lord’s Supper and made a mockery out of Christ’s Resurrection. Sometimes saying that Jesus was present at the rituals and approved of them. Their purpose was to control and destroy my life through a systematic dehumanization of my soul.

I have healed a lot and come a very long way in my recovery of abuse, but I still am very anxious when Easter starts to approach and I feel myself starting to go through the motions to just to get through it as quick as possible. I have seen that the power of the Good Shepherd is greater than the power of Satan and I have overcome the spiritual problems and broken the programming of my mind. I am NOT afraid of the Good Shepherd anymore and I am NOT afraid to go to church. But I feel like my soul is still not connecting to what the true meaning of Easter is.

My daughter will be thirty years old on Easter Sunday this year. Thirty years ago she was born on Good Friday. I remember when she was born being so afraid to let her leave my sight for fear she would be taken. I was calling the nurses station all the time wanting to know if she was still there. I am sure they thought I was mentally unstable, but I always remembered being so afraid she would be taken from me. It wasn’t until years later in my healing I realized why I was so afraid. In the cult human sacrifices are performed throughout the Easter holidays. These Satanic ritual killings begin on “Good Friday” and continue through Easter Sunday.

I have been praying a lot as this Easter approaches. What does the Good Shepherd want me to know and feel about Easter. I don’t want to continue to just get by during this holiday and feel nothing. I came across this scripture the other day in my reading and as I read it I really felt it was time to write about my struggle with Easter. Ephesians 5:11-13NLT says: Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them. It is shameful even to talk about the things that ungodly people do in secret. But their evil intentions will be exposed when the light shines on them. What happened to me was certainly evil and dark and I am tired of that overshadowing my ability to celebrate Easter.

This week as I was playing for communion at our church’s Maundy Thursday service, I was glad I was playing the piano so I did not have to partake in the communion. I still get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and try to think about something else, but this time was different. I felt the Good Shepherd say to me, “trust me. I have healed every foul thing that has ever touched your lips.” I do believe that the Good Shepherd can only heal what we give to him. So, am I willing to give Him my struggle with Easter? Am I willing to let Him remove the stinger that is still there from the trauma I experienced so it can be healed and is no longer painful to look back on?

Healing is being able to take a step forward, no matter how tiny and even if it is only in my heart.

Healing is being able to face some aspect of the past…without completely falling to pieces and being able to realize that some part of my history no matter how big or small no longer has a hold on me.

Healing is having the freedom to fully unleash my creativity and

play music again, write again, talk again, and share again.

Healing is giving myself permission to live life to the fullest and know that I was a victim who dared to survive and I’m now a survivor who dares to thrive.

Healing is being able to see the Good Shepherds love for me even when I don’t deserve it. And being able to see His hand in my life…even during the most awful of experiences.

So here is what the Good Shepherd wants me to do with His help. Take my everyday life; and place it before Him as an offering. I will fix my attention on Him and I will be changed from the inside out. Romans 12:1-2 (paraphrased).  I  think of these words from the song “From the Inside Out’ by Hillsong:  My heart and my soul, I give You control. Consume me from the inside out Lord. Let justice and praise, become my embrace To love you from the inside out. Everlasting Your light will shine when all else fades. Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all face and the cry of my heart is to bring you praise, From the inside out, O my soul cries out….

I celebrate everyday because the Good Shepherd has freed me from my past, but on this Easter (Resurrection Day) I will celebrate because I know He will truly raised me from the dead!