Living With the Enemy

I am my own biggest bully. I would NEVER treat someone the way I treat myself. This self inflicted internal turmoil is never-ending. I rarely have anything nice to say to myself. Instead, I say all the bad things I can think of. Everything I thought, heard, saw, and felt growing up is recorded in my mind. My mind holds all kind of information even information that was not in my control.

The recordings continually play over and over. “You’re fat!” “You’re ugly!” “You’re stupid.” “You’re an idiot.” “You’re useless.” “You’re not worth the air you’re breathing.” “How could anyone ever love you?” “Look what you have become?” “Stop thinking people want to be around you…they don’t!” “You can’t say or do anything right.” “You are totally worthless, a waste of space.” “You are such an inconvenience.”  “LOSER!!”

I still remember a story that my mother liked to tell when I was growing up. It was about my father’s first reaction when he saw me after I was born. He thought I was ugly. He had a hard time looking at me. Still to this day I still struggle with that recording that I am ugly.

Words sting and they slice like a knife, only the wounds are inside and there isn’t any bandage or ointment to apply to make them feel better. The hurtful words from my past chipped away at who I am, my self-esteem, and my beliefs. Hurtful words are still chipping away at who I am, only this time those words are coming from me.

Today, most of the self bullying has stopped. The Good Shepherd has helped me erase a lot of those tapes, but I am still constantly judging myself. I beat myself up all the time when something goes wrong. I am constantly belittling myself and repeating over and over how stupid I am or how useless I am. Sometimes throughout the day I find myself caring on a running dialogue with myself. Words of negative comments and criticisms. I see my flaws and I point them out. I question my actions and roll my eyes at my own thoughts sometimes. I criticize, judge, and belittle myself.  Sometimes the inside of my head gets really loud. I can only imagine what I must look like to others. My eyes darting around, my scowling face, my fists clenched. There is still a constant recording of that inner voice reminding me of all my failures and worthlessness.

The other day I was reading a daily devotional and the scripture reference was Proverbs 4:23(GNT) "Be careful how you think: your life is shaped by your thoughts." I think it so awesome when The Good Shepherd starts to talk to me and then He shows me something to let me know He means business.

Most of my recordings have been erased, but there are a few that still remain. The Good Shepherd has shown me that it is time to erase them. I have never wanted to erase them because I still believe they are a part of who I am!  I need to remind myself again the source of my shame came from outside of me. It came from those who hurt me.

The Good Shepherd wants me to stop putting myself down. I didn’t realize when I put myself down I was also putting down the Creator who made me. When I say I am worthless or no good I am saying my Creator messed up with me and made a piece of junk.

Psalm 139:13-17NLT says: You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me.

The Good Shepherd is showing me my self-criticism and fault-finding still takes me to a dark place in my soul that is not yet healed. It is impossible to have a positive mind and life if I am constantly saying negative things about myself.  I need to think and pray about what the Good Shepherd has really created me to be.

I want the Good Shepherd to help me become someone that His spirit can shine through. I want to act in such a way that makes Him proud of me. I want to be so beautiful that others are drawn to the Spirit of HIM within me. I now know that when I put myself down I am questioning Him, because He made me the way I am, the way I look, and with the talents and abilities I have. He made me just to be me.

You will never be free until you free yourself from the prison of your own false thoughts (Brina)