Anger Flames to Hope

I finally got the chance the other day to sit down and watch a show I saved on my DVR. It was Dr. Phil’s interview with Michelle Knight. She was one of the girls that was abducted by Ariel Castro in Cleveland, Ohio.  As she talked about her time in that house and all the horrible things that happened to her, it confirmed once again how much evil is in this world.

As I listened to her story, two things stood out to me. One was her strength to hold on and stay alive throughout the torture she endured. The second was the compassion she had for the other girls held captive with her. She would try and shield them by asking Ariel Castro to torture her instead of them. The one question I kept asking myself throughout the interview was, where is her anger? As a survivor myself of abuse and trauma I wondered how she is dealing or has dealt with her anger.

When it was time to confront and talk about my own past I had plenty of anger! If Bitscript’s were around then I could draw a cartoon of myself  with flames representing my anger. The flames would be darting out of my eyes and mouth and my arms would be crossed over my chest. The bubble coming from my mouth would say, “Stay the @#%$&  away from me or you’ll get burnt!

I was always on guard ready to use my flames on any poor unsuspecting person who would try to befriend me. Especially people who went to church or mentioned anything about God. I really did scare people and I was happy about it. If they were scared, they would not get near me and would not have the chance to hurt me. It was a good defense and had served me well for many years. But if I was to move forward, in my healing process, I was going to have to let the anger about my past go.

My anger was so compacted inside of me it WAS the glue that held all my tattered fragments together. I felt if I let go of it I would crumble into pieces and people could then stomp on me and crush me. It is not a simple or easy decision when you are faced with holding on to what has protected you for so long; or handing it over to the Good Shepherd because He is asking you to. It took a long time to trust that the Good Shepherd would not let me crumble or leave a gapping void of nothingness where my anger once was. He promised to fill it with the hope. And he kept His promise.

I consider myself very lucky that I was able to work with a therapist that  loves the Good Shepherd and a best friend that was committed to walk this journey with me and who also loves the Good Shepherd.

Today I really do believe that sometimes the Good Shepherd asks us to be his voice to others who are facing struggles or turmoil. Sometimes the pain of that struggle is so great it is hard to hear His voice. There were several times I had to trust because I could not hear His voice.

I feel very inadequate to be His voice for someone, and I don’t know all the scriptures to refer to. I still have a hard time praying in public or with someone. But I do know what it feels like to be in so much pain that it feels like all hope is gone. And I have experience the Good Shepherd’s Hope he gives to overcome struggles.

My hope now is when people see me they will see Hope and Love reaching out to them and feel the presence of the Good Shepherd through me.