“We all wear masks, and the time comes
when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin”. (Canadian novelist Andre Berthiaume)
Growing up I was sad and lonely most
of the time. I really didn’t have anyone to comfort me so I wore many masks
that hid my feelings behind lies. With my masks I was able to function, but
deep inside I felt empty and like parts of me were missing. Nobody could hear
my cries in the night or see the pain I was feeling for I designed my masks to
be laughing all the time, perfect all the time, and smiling all the time. My
life felt like I was going through the motions like a robot, programmed by
someone else. I did take pride in being able to hide my own emotions. Pretending
was an art that became second nature to me. I gave everyone the impression that
I was secure. All was sunny and self-controlled with me. Confidence was my name
and coolness was my game.
I am not the type of person that is an
open book and broadcasts my deepest path and insecurities to the world. This
would make me look vulnerable and being vulnerable is weak. I did not want to
be pitied or perceived as a weak person. No one was every going to look inside
my soul, and see my deepest desires, regrets, and insecurities. I trusted no
one. I did not want others to see the pain I hid inside me. I did not want them
to suspect the dark horrid thoughts that pounced on me when I least expected
it. I did not want them to know how insecure I was and at times wanting to be
gone from this world and all the pain go with it.
Day by day I felt I was dying a very
slow death. The pain of uncovering old wounds was mentally and emotionally
traumatizing. I felt like all the oxygen had left the room and I truly could
not breathe. I had disappeared a long time ago and my masks were what the world
saw. I had disconnected from myself in order to survive and had convinced
myself that nothing would ever erase the ugliness left behind. The surface of
my mask was smooth but beneath laid lies, confusion, fear, and loneliness. I
would start to panic at any thoughts I may have that my weaknesses may be
exposed. Underneath my masks were my wounds and as long as I kept my masks on, those
wounds were controlling me. Everything was crashing down around me and taking
my masks off would mean admitting that I was NOT okay.
I didn’t like hiding and playing those
superficial phony games I had learned in my childhood. I wanted to stop playing
them and be genuine, but I needed help. Along in my life came love and
understanding from people I had never met before. Would I be able to trust that
hand reaching out to me to wipe my tears? Could I trust their kind, gentle, and
encouraging spirits? I didn’t know what would be under all
my masks and if I would even be underneath them? I wasn’t so sure I wanted
others to see my TRUE self and to be honest, I didn’t want to see it either. If
people thought less of me and laughed that would just kill me and I was afraid
that deep down I was nothing and they would see that and reject me. I was a
trembling child within with a parade of masks that told you everything is
really nothing and nothing is everything. Those people’s unfailing love for me
started to strip my masks away. I kept struggling every day to keep my masks in
place, but eventually they no longer fit my face. I started feeling like the
Good Shepherd was breathing life into me. He is the only one that could break
down the masks I had hid and trembled behind for so many years. He is the only
one that could release me from my world of panic, and my lonely prison.
The possibility of freedom to be
ourselves and take our masks off are always going to be beat out by the
likelihood of rejection. Other people cannot make that guarantee to us because
they are human and flawed just like we are. The only safe place is the Good
Shepherd. He is the only one who accepts us truly as we are and He just wants
us to be in a relationship with Him. When I could finally trust enough to know
that I was welcome in His arms it freed me from unrealistic standards and
empowered me to start taking my masks off and start living a life of truth!
There was a cost for the masks I wore.
I was unable to express myself and show my real feelings. I did not know how to
lovingly nurture my children without abusive words and actions. And it prevented
me from experiencing closeness with others and with the Good Shepherd.
I did a minimum of 18 years of hard
labor for a crime I did not commit. But during that time of therapy and much
prayer I learned that no one can alter my inner core (my center of purity,
wholeness, and beauty). I am the only one who has the power with the Good
Shepherd’s help to take my masks off and begin again. And I do believe, now,
that I am worthy enough to begin again!
The Good Shepherd never wore masks. He
never hid is true self from people or from His father. He furrowed his brow at
the Pharisees, smiled warmly at little children, looked with pity on the
crowds, lashed out at the money changers and wept at the death of Lazarus. He
even pleaded with His father in the garden and cried out in pain on the cross.
The Good Shepherd empowers us to do
absolutely everything, and even our next breath is a gift from Him! He has made
you and me in His own image, so we are valuable for who we are and not what we
do. He loves us completely and unconditionally; you can neither earn no lose
His love. Don’t be afraid to be honest with Him, He understands our emotions.
In this messy life we know that our life depends on Him so may we all be honest
enough to take our masks off.
The Good Shepherd did for me what I
could never do myself. He stripped away my mask and He will do it for you. So
here I am – missing skin and all.
Can you let the Good Shepherd take
your masks and allow your pain to end? I know you can do it, because I did. I
gave my masks to Him and now He gives me strength to walk the path I must walk
in this life. He loves you very much and He is always there to help you!
To paraphrase the apostle Paul: “The
Good Shepherd’s grace; it's all you and I need. His strength truly comes into
its own in my weakness." And once I realized that; once I let go and
trusted that He knows me far better than I know myself, I could quit focusing
on my imperfections and begin appreciating the gift. It became a case of the
Good Shepherd’s strength moving in on my weakness. That’s why I can be so sure
that every detail in my life can and will be worked into something good. My
limitations that cut me down (abuse, accidents, & opposition) I just let
Him take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become in Him!
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