Hollow Words and Twisted Scriptures

In the world I grew up in the pastor and his family always had to be perfect. I was raised to put my best face forward and pretend all was well. I was taught to respect the authority of the Bible as the inspired word of God. I was part of a Bible quizzing program in which other church teams would compete against each other over our knowledge of the scriptures. I would study the Bible constantly, often memorizing lengthy passages or even entire books.

So why would I even dare to question when I am told over and over the scriptures say I was a vile sinner that deserved to go to hell. Was I really an abomination to God? Scriptures were twisted and used like a stick to beat me down. Scriptures like: “Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive” and “if you resist, you will receive damnation”! (Hebrews 13:7KJV). “For there is no power but of God; the powers that be are ordained of God. Whosoever therefore resistith the power, resisteth the ordinance of God; and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation.”(Romans 13:2KJV)

There was no tolerance for questions, sharing concerns or thoughts.. They were God’s servants; who was I to question? To question or disobey meant you were questioning and disobeying God. To question their authority meant you were questioning the authority of God. “Don’t question” was a powerful rule growing up. If you question decisions or standards of leadership you were ostracized and humiliated. Their viewpoints of the scripture were considered unquestionable truth. They were the only ones who “heard” what God was saying; apparently God couldn’t speak to me directly, he had to go through “others”.

There was no uncertainty, no unanswered questions, no gray areas, and no doubts. The Leaders/Pastors were right, and others were wrong. They were spiritual, and others were not. They were thoroughly committed to Jesus, and others were not. To disagree with him was to disagree with God. They were, of course, the final judge and jury of what the Bible says, and they rationalized and defended their behavior under the disguise of shepherding.

The Bible gave them a certain level of spiritual authority, and they abused and misused it, going well beyond what the scriptures allowed.

Everyone was so busy telling me what I could not do they failed to tell me what the Good Shepherd COULD do. I cannot begin to tell you how much mental and emotional anguish was caused by being told what to believe, how to think, and how to speak. I felt like my soul had plummeted into the depth of hell. I was NEVER going to trust God again or what the Bible had to say. How could I ever trust a pastor again? All Pastors were just “men of God” who would cause me to stumble and lose out on eternal life. I remember thinking to myself, “so this is what it feels like to not know what you believe anymore”. I had no confidence in my own ability to discern truth from error which added to my distorted perception of God and I wondered how I was every supposed to have a relationship with Him.

The Bible had become a book that made no sense to me and had become an emotional trigger. For the longest time I could not even open a Bible. All the grace had been sucked out of any faith I might have had. I was beat down and confused. I didn’t know which scriptures were false and which were true, or if any of them were true at all. My trust had been shattered and I desperately needed someone to listen to me with compassion. Not only did I need to overcome the abuse , but I need to be reconnected with the Good Shepherd because my spiritual truth had been warped by those who twisted scripture and fed me many lies. Sometimes I would silently scream “will the REAL Good Shepherd please stand up?” There was just so much chaos and confusion.

When it was recommended that I start seeing a licensed Christian therapist who is also an ordained pastor, I remember being so scared I would physically start shaking. It took a lot of trust on my part to agree to this but when I look back on this I know it was the Good Shepherd taking care of me. I had to begin to confront and dismantle the rules that had governed me for so long. I was beginning to trust my therapist because he provided me a safe and confidential setting to do that in. Sometimes it seemed like untwisting the scriptures was like that big ball of tangled Christmas lights that you pull out for the holidays. It looks so tangled and twisted it seems to take forever to unravel and at times you just want to throw it down and give up. The only way I knew how to have a relationship with God was based on fear and performance. I really didn’t know what grace and unconditional acceptance was until I met my best friend (who is a pastors wife) and others who were willing to show me who the Good Shepherd really is. They helped me learn how to trust again, think for myself, and question when things didn’t seem right. They kept gently reminding me it was not the Good Shepherd who had violated me it was people.

It has taken me years to rebuild my life and my faith in the Good Shepherd. Even after asking Him into my heart, the thought of reading the Bible or listening to anyone read scriptures churned my stomach. With lots of encouragement I continued to work on that tangled and twisted ball and eventually found myself wanting to know more about what the Bible really said. I was learning that I did not have to jump through spiritual-performance hoops to earn the Good Shepherds approval. That is something I already have for free because of His death on the cross. It started to feel like I was a dry sponge soaking up the truth of His word for the very first time. Even though those twisted words and scriptures left me scarred mentally and emotional I was beginning to trust again and started uncovering hope for my recovery and becoming whole. I was learning that my identity IS in the Good Shepherd.

Many who have had similar experiences as me often end up becoming Atheists or Agnostics. Or they become so bitter they have no hope that there is a God (who I call the Good Shepherd) that loves and cares for them. I am heartbroken for these people. They have been hurt so badly that they have given up on this whole “God Thing”.  Please don’t let what others have told you about the scriptures or the Good Shepherd stop you from finding out who He truly is and what His Word truly says. Read the scriptures for yourself and let Him reveal His truth to you.

It’s important that a church leader, responsible for the affairs in God’s house, be looked up to—not pushy, not short-tempered, not a drunk, not a bully, not money-hungry. He must welcome people, be helpful, wise, fair, reverent, have a good grip on himself, and have a good grip on the Message, knowing how to use the truth to either spur people on in knowledge or stop them in their tracks if they oppose it. (Titus 1:7-9MSG)