For years and years I just kept
shoving the pain down further and further reassuring myself it wasn’t that bad.
I will never forget that moment when I felt like my life had fallen apart into
millions of pieces and I found myself standing in a heap of broken promises and
shattered dreams. It was at that moment that my life begin to unravel, day by
day, piece by piece and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. No
matter how hard I tried I could not put the pieces of my life back together by
myself.
As I sat helplessly watching and
surveying all the exposed and ugly broken pieces of my mind and heart, I felt my
only choices were take the handful of pills in my left hand or take the gun in
my right hand point it at my head and pull the trigger. I just wanted the pain
and brokenness to stop! I was so lost and I felt like I was never going to find
myself. I believed there was nothing left worth keeping. Just like when glass
shatters on the kitchen floor, we don’t painstakingly glue each piece back
together. We sweep them up and throw them in the trash. How could the Good
Shepherd love me through and through when I had experienced so much in myself
that was unlovable?
I was told by my therapist I did
have another choice, but it seemed too hard. That choice would mean giving
myself permission to feel my pain, fear, and devastation. I was going to have
to be willing to hand my pieces over to Him…broken piece by broken piece. I can
still hear the Good Shepherd asking me, “do you want to be made whole”?
I was so afraid of what I would find,
but I needed to learn to smile again. I needed to learn how to trust.
I needed to learn how to hope again. I needed to learn how to feel
joy. With each piece he washed it clean, rubbed all the rough spots off and
poured each one of those things into my broken life. He gently applied His
healing ointment and placed them back in their proper places where they should
be.
When those pieces were placed in His
hands, I could hardly believe His healing power. In His dear hands those
shattered pieces ,that had me living in horror, have become something I am
thankful for because He has taught me so much through them. How He could take
my life that was so shattered and broken and pour in such comfort, joy, peace,
and hope is something I cannot even begin to understand. I felt like the
Psalmist when he wrote; He heals those who have a broken heart. He heals their
sorrows. Psalm 147:3(NLV)
The overwhelming truth remains that the Good
Shepherd is love and He loves each one us in every aspect and detail of our
lives. One thing that is very clear from the gospels is the Good Shepherd came
to bring good news of reconciliation and healing. He wanted to help me deal
with my brokenness. He wanted to bring His love into every hidden crevice and
painful hiding place of my heart. When I
started opening my heart to the possibility of awareness and healing, I became
willing for Him to help me see through the deceptions and secrets that was
affecting my ability to live my life more fully.
Eventually my past pain no longer had
such a strong hold on me. It wasn’t stifling my spirit in the same way it used
to which allowed me to be more open to the Good Shepherds love. Some of my
hurts did come back again in my memories, but they were not as powerful and
overwhelming as they once were.
I am absolutely convinced that nothing
living or dead, angelic or demonic, can get between us and the Good Shepherd’s
love because of the way He embraces us with His love! (Romans 8:38 paraphrase)
Good Shepherd please heal my broken
heart. I cannot fix my own wounds and I long for you to heal my inner self
where I am bruised and scarred with the memories of the hurts from my past.
There are pieces of my heart that are lost, or being held captive. Recover them
and bring them back to me and “put me back together” so that my heart is whole
again. You are the mender of broken hearts. I give my past to you so you can
begin to mend the brokenness within my soul. You see the deepest darkest parts
that others cannot see and only you can feel the pain that is still there
inside of me. You saw everything I went through and you held each tear I cried.
I couldn’t see you reaching out to me wanting to pour you love inside of me. I
didn’t know you were there. I felt so very much alone and I didn’t think you
cared. But now, as I look back, I see you cared about my life and it was when I
was in my most darkest moments you were the closest. Please help me now reach
out to you ,Good Shepherd, and get to know you so much more and to really know
the depth of your love.
All of us, with no covering on our
faces, show the shining-greatness of the Lord as in a mirror. All the time we
are being changed to look like Him, with more and more of His
shining-greatness. This change is from the Lord Who is the Spirit.
2
Corinthians 3:18 (NLV)
No comments:
Post a Comment