Shame is more than just an awful
feeling you get when you have done something wrong. It is hidden disgrace and
humiliation. It often makes a person feel worthless, rejected, and cast out. It
can make a person feel like a complete loser and an utter failure as a human
being. It can cause massive destruction even to the point of death.
I learned at a young age that I was
not wanted. Everything was my fault. My feelings didn’t count, and I was
responsible for other peoples feelings. Shame’s deep roots left me with a sense
of emptiness and a heaviness that pressed in on my spirit and dampened my
appreciation for life. It had soaked in and discolored my feelings about
everyone and everything. I truly believed that I was not loved because I was
not loveable. I stopped trusting my
judgments, feelings and desires. Its roots were wrapped around my heart and
every dimension of my soul was affected by its deadly poison.
When I was in the hospital for
treatment, I was asked to write a letter to my mom telling her about my
feelings of shame as a child. Not a blaming letter, but just how I felt. I
remember I never got to finish reading the letter because she stood up and
yelled at me all the way down the hallway to the elevator. I remember watching her
get on that elevator and was so crushed inside that even though I was in the
hospital I tried to end my life that night.
My shame insisted on being covered up
so it could hide in secrecy and darkness. It would show itself as self-hatred
and self-abuse. Abuse of others with my
rage (rage frightened those around me and did it’s job by keeping others away
from me). It also showed itself as depression, perfectionism, addictions and compulsions.
My shame was so painful and so debilitating that I had developed a thousand
coping strategies to avoid its tortures. I used up my energy always being on
guard because I feared that I would be exposed and everyone would see that I
was a flawed and defective person.
Shame continually whispered, “You
don’t fit in.” “They think you aren’t good enough.” “You’re a mistake”. “You’re
worthless and no one will ever like you.” It’s voice replayed repeatedly in my
mind like a broken record. I would look
in the mirror and hated everything about the person looking back! I was a bad
person and I felt dirty, stupid, worthless, ugly and deformed.
Even after I married, I felt isolated
and alone. I never really felt connected to my husband, because I had no
connecting skills. It was hard to love and trust anyone. I was unable to feel
any joy in my life and felt like a mechanical robot. I was always monitoring
every one of my actions on the outside of my body making sure every detail of
my behavior was carefully monitored for fear that my true heart might be
exposed. I was at war within myself that
caused extreme chaos. The feeling that I was damaged and different from other
people, and the thought that I would never be whole left me with so much pain
that at times it felt unbearable. All I could do was try to keep the pain I
felt inside and never let it show on the outside.
When shame entered my heart as a child
my real self became too painful to live with, so my false self began to form. I
was spiritually broke so I was unable to accept my true identity as His child. The
Good Shepherd was asking me to face my shame and then let it go, but I did not
want to give up my mask and defenses. I did not want to become vulnerable and
share my emotions with others!
The Good Shepherd gently reminded me
He had placed good people in my life that I could trust and it was time to lean
on them and Him. I needed to come out of isolation and hiding. I was going to have
to face my shame and feel the agonizing feelings that were connected to it to
change the way I viewed myself.
In Hebrews 12:2, the Good Shepherd did
not avoid suffering, but he rejected the shame. He did not accept the shame
others were trying to put on him. He was being treated as a person with little
or no value. But the message of shame, “you have little or no value,” was a lie
and He refused to accept it.
In Matthew 21:18-20 the barren fig
tree, with its nice façade but damaged roots was how I was controlled by my
shame. I was unable to fulfill His purpose for my life. The Good Shepherd
cursed the fig tree and it died from the roots up. This is how the Good
Shepherd delt with my core of shame which had blocked my heart. He smiled at me
and poured out healing, forgiveness and restoration on me so I could become an
entirely new person in Him!
I started to discover my inner
strength. I felt like I was starting to thaw out and feel again. It was a very
slow and painful process, but my beliefs about myself slowly started to change.
I learned I was not bad. I was loveable and acceptable. Unconditional love from
others and the Good Shepherd helped me start to become whole and accept all the
parts of myself.
There are far too many of us that feel
dirty, worthless and ashamed of ourselves. We feel so unclean and unworthy that
we think we could never approach the Good Shepherd. Satan does not want us to
heal from our shame. He does not want us to have that intimate relationship the
Good Shepherd is longing to have with us. None of us are ever “less than!” None
of us are “unlovable”, “beyond repair”, or “worthless”! We are loved and adored
by the Good Shepherd who wants to heal us. He wants to heal those memories,
circumstances, and scars that are too hard to speak about. He wants to heal
your broken places and make you whole.
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